曲名:流浪记歌手:纪晓君
我就这样告别山下的家
我实在不愿轻易让眼泪流下
我以为我并不差不会害怕
我就这样自己照顾自己长大
我不想因为现实把头低下
我以为我并不差能学会虚假
怎样才能够看穿面具里的谎话
别让我的真心散的像沙
如果有一天我变得更复杂
还能不能唱出歌声里的puy uma
我就这样告别山下的家
我实在不愿轻易让眼泪流下
我以为我并不差不会害怕
我就这样自己照顾自己长大
我不想因为现实把头低下
我以为我并不差能学会虚假
怎样才能够看穿面具里的谎话
别让我的真心散的像沙
如果有一天我变得更复杂
还能不能唱出歌声里的那幅画
it was a fine saturday afternoon when i went to the sportshall to play badminton after almost a month of absence due to exams…
as i entered the hall i noticed fewer ppl than usual….at least 1/2 of the amount of ppl they had a month ago. the atmosphere was kinda wierd….felt like an alien there…..as apparently the rest of them are part of the so called "badminton team" formed not long ago for the coming nizhny games. but what the heck, i played like i usually do….
after awhile due to my self-diagnosed congestive heart failure stage 1, i decided to sit on the bench beside the hall…watching the rest of the players play for the coming games.
when the time was almost over, they had a sort of like a small "badminton team" meeting…..which involved almost everyone in the hall except me. thing is, they decided to do it right in front of where i was sitting. as i was waiting for another friend, i just sat there and wanted to wait for the meeting to finish so that i could go back with him.
probably they needed confidentiality, or probably they were planning for some top secret assassination of the president or something, a few minutes after they started talking and realised my presence, few of them turned over to me and ask " why are u still here?" , " can you go away ah?"
maybe to some extend i should respect their so called "privacy" and confidentiality. but they could have made that meeting somewhere else. or if they are talking something official and righteous, what do they have to fear, right??? but of course, i soon began to realise why my presence as an outsider were not welcomed there….for they too, in their subconscious, realise what they are discussing are not suitable to be known by the public….
of course, i couldn’t be bothered more about the content of their conversation. being the egoistic person that i am, i would feel humiliated if i just stand up and walked away….esp when asked by a junior 2 years younger than me….i am no saint ok…
then the most outrageous thing happened…as their conversation proceed, God knows what they were talking about, suddenly that 2nd year junior turned around and asked me with a rude tone:
"hey, are you part of the nizhny games committee???"
"no…….."
" fuh, luckily you are not, man"
" oh yea? so what will you do if i were??"
" if you are part of the committee i would belasah you man,seriously….."
"……………"
mind you, i was just a passerby sitting beside the bench when a wierd bunch of ppl came around me and talked about something unmelodious to my ear when suddenly one of them(a junior lagi) wanted to belasah me…. i tell you, even the samseng in my school never spoke like that to me…
if u were in my shoes, how would you react???
p/s: his tone of voice (yea, still talking about that same junior) was absolutely different 7 months ago when he asked for physiology notes from me…..how realistic human being can be…..haha…
there are alot of difference between the camera of your phone of 1.3megapixels and the real olympus camera with 7 megapixels(with the now high-tech phone being exception )…which u can actually recognize the person i took when reviewing them…..probably up to the size of their pimples…
some of my friends can differentiate good and poor quality headphones…..from the quality of sound they make….which i fail to do so up till now….
well, as much as resolution is important for the satisfaction of our sensory organs, it is as important that we improve our "resolutions" on the things we do….
being the well known nerd that i am, i’ll take studying as an example. 2 students attend the same lecture, hearing the same voice of the lecturer, giving the same content of information….but if u borrow their lecture notes, u can see the difference in their "resolution"….the same rough, general ideas, but one with very detailed describtion of the examples, while the other one is merely a shell without any content….there’s a difference when the notes are read.
it’s easier to memorize or to understand when you have "life" in your notes, when u give ppl the feeling of reading a story with a smooth storyline, rather than just points with no connection from one to another….
and the "life" come from your resolution, on far u are willing to go to pay attention to every single detail the lecturer is giving u…to jot down things which is important, even tho it seems unnessasary to you. that would make a difference. you gotta demand for more than just the shell with no life in it, you gotta ask for more…
that is why ppl do not understand why the same 2 students, making no mistake when answering in the exams, recieve different results….it’s this resolution problem. while there’s no mistake in the answer, there’s probably too few of the content to have any mistake at all…..but that doesn’t make your answer excellent either….
if u have an eye of 7megapixels, you will see alot of mistakes and problem of pictures of 1.3megapixels. but if ur resolution is low enough, of course you won’t be able to see it.
it’s about self discipline, on how far u are willing to go, and if u have high enough expectation for yourself. always finding shortcuts and hope that luck fall from the sky isn’t gonna improve your resolution.
you demand the best lecturer, you get the best notes, you ask for the most comfortable environment to study….but if you do not have the capacity to fit in everything u see, the picture u see will only be 1.3 megapixels. it’s such a waste of good resources.. so while u are feeling lucky that you got all that is mentioned above, start to buck up and upgrade yourself to be more compatible with the high standards….
like what somebody said, even if u eat slimming pills, you need to have good absorption to see good effect….
~~~ask for more~~~
just a thought….
maybe those who do wrong things (in our point of view) thinks what they do are perfectly fine, otherwise they wouldn’t do it….
probably during the process of education in school or at home…there were some miscommunication somewhere, resulting in different perception of morale value, to the extend that the direct opposite is accepted as the "truth" in their eyes….
but who are we to judge them? who knows if what we think is right and those who have the opposite thinking is wrong?
but i really believe in karma. let karma decide if who is right or wrong. coz even the fairest judge, if he’s a human, we have the possibility to blame him for having subjective perception, and we could find 100excuses to prove that him, saying that we are at fault, is a wrong judgement because obviously, we think we are right….we always are…
but karma is a nobody. who are u to blame if karma strikes right back at you? what you do is what you get. the payback might be immediate or it might be a longrun one….but as the bad karma accumulates, it will hit back hard….
not too long ago i did something which almost resulted in a riot.i almost got myself hated by a group of people for doing something i thought was right, at that time. somebody brought up this karma thing, indicating that i would pay for what i’ve done to them. the thing is i didn’t think i was wrong. and of course so did they….
so only time will tell whether who is wrong at that moment, when the outcome is certain. if it turns out to be i am wrong and things that i did were not supposed to be done, then fine, i’ll admit that it’s a mistake and will correct my point of view on certain things. but if the opposite is true, and if there’s still justice in this world, karma should be going after them any moment by now….
well, who cares right….
another instance is that, to our sorrow there are a few ppl who cheats here in our academy during exams. unfortunately they always manage to get off scott free, leaving those who earnt their grades by hardwork feeling unfair, angry, and feels that all the effort given is worthless.
you may think that well, what ppl do is their business,you just have to make sure that you don’t be like them….
but we are still human. the feeling of unjustice will be there….
and then we will start to think, why do we need to work so hard, when other ppl can achieve the same thing with much less effort…..and some weak minded ppl will tend to "follow the trend"…
it’s like leonardo da vinci spent so long with much effort to finish "mona lisa", and ah beng go steal it and photocopy….and with thick face go and tell the world that mona lisa is drawn by him….it might sound rediculous to you, but someone will actually buy that obvious lie.
among these ppl, there are ppl who knows that cheating is wrong (coz the primary school teacher said so)…..and does it with care, and caution. they have the guilty look written all over the face.
another type of ppl, is they do it as if exams are meant to be cheated. they do it without shame, guilt, and effort….with the cunning smile on their face, as if teasing those who works hard that they are so foolish so working so hard for such meaningless things…
preparing for exams in their definition, means to be ready to make small notes to be copied, to copy as fast as possible, to act as calm and as confident as possible and preparing 1000 excuses in case detected.
ironically, some of these ppl even think that in case they get low grades for their exams, it’s a total injustice, because they think that after such tedious work of "copying" from the text book, they should have included all the points required in their paper…..and in turn should recieve good grades for that….
if they don’t, it’s the teacher, it’s definitely the teacher. he/she is in a bad mood. he could be quarreling with his wife this morning. her patient just died in her operation room this morning. he is prejudice towards her. or maybe the weather is not good today. the horoscope says today is not a good day for exam….it’s never the student’s fault…..there are ever so many excuses one can think off when the fail to meet their own expectations for good grades…but the goldren rule is : the students are never at fault.
i have always been wondering….is karma going after these ppl? how long will they survive like this?
you know, it’s like watching a sitcom, you get very geram when the good guys get all the bad lucks and die horribly…and there you are wondering when are the bad guys going to die….and when they do…you have that relieve in you….reassuring yourself that there’s still justice to this world.
of course…i’m not hoping for those who cheat to die… but just wondering if the justice will ever come to rescue the day…
however, there are still difference between those who earn their grades by hardwork and those who cheat.
ah beng may photocopy mona lisa, but when da vinci takes out his authentic one, it’s easy to recognize both of them….
i bet it would be a darn funny senario to see these ppl who passed their exams by copying from the text books to carry around the textbooks around when seeing the patients during wardround….(maybe 50 books or more?? maybe he/she needs a trolly…)i am looking forward to that day….
well, it’s all in my point of view. maybe i am the one with miscommunication in the morale values. maybe what they do is the real way to life….who knows right….let time prove it lo…
ahhh….life is just so wonderful and interesting with such ppl around…
it’s common when we meet some obstacle or failure that we decide to turn over a new leaf or in other words, to start all over again….
but does life always offer you a second chance?
what if one day, someone tells you that, sorry, it’s GAME OVER for you??
i am not saying we do not deserve a chance to correct our mistakes…..or we should stab ourselves in the chest when we fail…..
all i’m saying is that we should not do things thinking that we always have a second,third,fouth chance. with that kind of mentality, we would not give our best….it serves as an excuse for us to procrastinate, slack and an important reason for our failure….
there’s a good idiom in chinese 置于死地而后生. when one is pushed to its limits, that’s when his/her potential will be excavated…
treat every chance given to you as the last chance u will ever recieve….because it might really be the LAST ever….
our university is hosting its 1st intervarsity games this year….which is in one month time.
this is supposed to be a prestigous event for all of us….you know, like how msia hosted commonwealth games in 1998….to make our country well known to other ppl…this event is supposed to make ppl know about nizhny novgorod and our academy to other ppl….this is why the dean’s office is also kancheong and looking forward to this game with great anticipations….
however, things are totally different with the students here….catch anyone u see in the hostel and ask them about this coming nizhny games. i can assure you non of them know anything about it…the dean’s are rushing us (or rather the committee) to update them about the game progress from time to time…but still it seems like "the eunuchs(sida-sida) are more kancheong than the emperor"…..
as we inherited the spirit of our motherland, many of the students here wished that we never had promised to take this job, which seems very unprofitable and comes with huge responsibility they are not willing or not able to take. some will wish that they were sri lankans, africans, or even russians so that they would not need to participate in this. and most of them, although aware that this event will happen afterall, still choose to be ignorant and hope that things will go as planned without bothering them abit. they don’t see it as something to be proud of, but instead, a burden, or a shame if not done correctly.
on the other hand, there are some minorities….really really small amount of them who are berkobar-kobar wanna make this event successful and at least presentable to all. however the little fire they have inside them are often extinguished by those cold feedback from ppl who wished this event doesn’t existed…and plus, their "semangatness" are often questioned and related to what profit they might get from this event….this, is msian’s spirit.
it doesn’t matter which category i fall into.
some people start to think about their studies, on how much study time they will miss during this event (which last about 3 days, 2 of them are saturdays and sundays), how many other things they could do if they do not participate in that…..but in fact, these 3 days, if not asked to help out in the event, passes like a flash without us noticing. as i’m typing this, it’s already sunday. and my study progress is still stucked at friday. 2 days just passed by without any feeling.
but when someone wants to take these 3 days from you, it makes a whole world of difference. some are even willing to pay 5000usd in order NOT to participate in this….haha…
i can’t seemed to figure out the reason of this lack of spirit untill just now.
a guy was assigned a job whom he refused to take, no matter what (he’s the guy who is willing to pay 5000usd). he, as of other msians here, doesnt give a damn about what is happening in this nizhny games. the only difference is he is brave enough to say "I DON CARE" and " I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE THIS RESPONSIBILITY"
then there were these persuation about how we "should" be one, how we "should" be united as a malaysians, how we "should" ALL play our part in this games.
if things were as simple as what we should and should not do, things would be much simpler. the problem is, there’s nothing obligatory here. everything is voluntary from the fundings, the cookings, finding the venue, the negotiations and to the manpower. nobody can DEMAND other ppl to do their job, the can only BAG for their mercy to spare the little time they have to help up. the thing is, why should these kind, highly spirited ppl who volunteer themselves to bare this burden to kneel down and bag so pathetically? what do they get from all these? nobody in their right mind would do this, in my opinion.
after meeting that guy, i understanded that fact. there’s nothing we could do to MAKE them do their job.
then something struck my mind.
few years back in my blog entried i mentioned how adults are "stupid", that we become more stupider as time pass by. adults don’t have the flexibility the children have in terms of adaptation to the surroundings. they can’t absorb new information who would change their opinions about things, most of all, they loose the "spirit" young ppl have.
i realised that most of us here are entering the age of adulthood, the era of stupidity….we are no longer the hot blooded youngsters we used to be. we are turning into the boring adults we used to complained, apparently not that many years ago. we are getting older by the days looking at things at a more realistic point of view, like what benifit i we get from what we do. we have forgotten of how it feels like to share a common goal, to be part of something grand and to feel proud of it. being realistic means to look at things more to the negative site, to loose the ability to dream.
the failing experience we had in the past is making us confine ourselves to a "safe zone". we loose the adventurous spirit we had to take risk, as we fear that we would loose.
as we grow up, the more things we see, the more "faith" we loose. i don’t mean the faith in God, but the faith in humanity in general. as we get dissapointed by empty promises, the more defence we build up for ourselves, the less faith we have in other human being. but this faith is what pulling us together. if we loose this, nothing good will turn out of it.
at the same time, we are not old enough to think things in an economical point of view, like how much money we could earn from those ppl coming to compete, without money as motivation, no ordinary "adults" will do anything for free….
thus, we are not at this so called "transition age" or what i would like to call "awkward stage"…possessing abit of each, but not enough to call it "something"….
do u remember how your school compete with other school around the region for ranking in results, chess competition, football, badminton, basketball competition?
do u remember how badly you wanna beat your opponent from other school because u wanna uphold your school’s prestige?
were you humiliated when people say that your school is of low standard in terms of results, sports and moral?
do you remember how you and your friends were studying together hard, to face the common challenge–upsr, pmr, spm??
do you remember how we all had the same fear of not doing well in the exams, and how we cried(maybe not) together because of the uncertainty lying ahead of us??
do u remember how we comforted during hard times during those ups and downs…??
it might seems something naive, and "uncool" to you now, but do you remember how good it felt during those times when all of us were together, fighting towards that common aim?? do you remember how right it felt when u succeeded? and even if you failed, it still feels good to know that ppl around you are crying with u…..
most of us have lost this feeling…..and this might just be the thing you feel "missing" in your life now. without this "soul", you are just a walking corpse.
we can’t resist the biological process happening within us, but we can keep the young mentality, being flexible, adaptative and high spirit, while not loosing the mature analytical thinking from the experience we get all these years…
keep the spirit high, ppl! don become "stupid"
you see me cry, and yet u do not have the heart to ask me why….
i don’t demand much, just a simple concern will do….
"are u ok?" is all i need from you….
feeling terrible today. all that could go wrong went wrong….
where are u??
is what i am feeling right now…..
i am numbed with my surroundings….still aware of what is happenning, but fail to give any appropraite reactions towards it…
exam is in a few days time, i am supposed to be nervous, but i am not…..at least not yet…
i am not particularly happy or sad, just indifferent to things that could make me happy/sad last time…
i used to be so hot-blooded, passionate about commenting about almost everything that doesn’t follow it’s right course….now, i get the impulse too, but the passion is not strong enough for me to waste my effort on it….
maybe that’s why i blog less nowadays…coz blogging used to be a medium for me to record the moments i think gives impact to me, in one way or another…
hardly anything could touch my heart, nor surprise me….not even the political changes in my country, or the change of state of the health of my relatives…
i wanna find the factor that could make me cry again, remind me again that my heart is made of flesh, not steel…
but right now….i dun feel anything…
even the food i cook does not taste as good anymore….
guess that’s another way of saying my life is boring….
in a community we often need to depend on someone to help us to achieve something. and others might have the same need for our capability to achieve something too…give and take. this is what people do.you can say we are helping each other, or you can say we are "using" each other to achieve our respective goals. it makes no difference….really…
conflict arises when this "giving" and "taking" balance become disrupted. the person who always give and never recieve will feel that he is loosing something.
he will start to think that ppl get near him because they want something from him. and he’s worried that one day when he’s of no usable value ie. if he cannot offer what other ppl demands of him, he will be ignored, forgotten, and he’ll eventually loose the reputation and status he has now….
it’s cruel to say, but it’s the reality. many, i believe, have this worry. you can grumble all you want, but when you are surrounded like people like this, you will eventually need to adapt to survive in this realistic world. you can say u oni want "true" friends around you like your high school friends who are true and sincere to you, but you can’t isolate yourself from the rest of the world…
the idea is to make yourself "useful"…..or at least of some "usable" values. don’t be despair to think that ppl are just using you for your capability and they are not true to you. instead be glad that you are being "used"….at least it shows your value, that u will be asked for help by someone who "needs" you….and their success depends on your mercy…
this value determines your power. as long as you are "useful", you are in power. you are not being manipulated as the word "used" indicates, but instead you have to power to manipulate. you have the choice of choosing and the right to demand when you are "useful". those who need your help are subjected to your will, mood, emotion, judgement…..whatever that will make you help them achieve their goals…
but what if your primary concern comes, when you loose your value one day? well, there’s nothing u can really do actually, other than turn the wheels around and subject yourself to other people’s mercy instead. what why let that day come? why not keep improving yourself and make yourself constantly "useful" all the time so that you will be treasured for your capability. it’s better if u could "immortalize" this value by making yourself useful in someway irreplacable by others…
being paranoid by stopping to be "useful" just because you don want to feel like being used isn’t the right way to protect yourself from being hurt. there’s always other people who is "useful" to them out there.if you stop improving just because you don want to be used, you will stuck there and and eventually loose your market value….it’s like burning the padi field during the war, you do not let other people get food for war, but you do not get any either…
so make yourself useful, or at least usable, and be glad that you are still being used….
