SECRET CORNER OF THANATOS

regretably, i do not give people a good first impression of what i am capable of doing.

again and again, my capability and determinations are questioned and challenged by those people who are standing aside with cold eyes wondering when i am going to fail, as well as those who are waiting for me to make a clown out of myself….

who would expect a guy with such unappealing exterior to dominate the top rank during his primary school years for most of the years? and who would expect this guy, who nobody would recognize when walking on a street, able to do story telling, syarahan, recite a poem and win prize for it? and who would expect him to beat the math genius in his school and came up top in the math competition??

well, he broke everyone’s spectacles when he did all that…..including his own….

who would expect him to sing and draw and dance…….(wait….he did not do that….he sucked at those stuff….)

i believe i am not wrong when i say that even my close relative did not put high hopes on me. given my different way of upbringing, i believe many wouldn’t expect me to go far…..they would be glad if i don’t cause any trouble or do something humiliating….but as years go by, i believe tht i’ve changed they prospect of how things should be….(some even name their children’s name after mine)……of course, i wasn’t told this untill i was older….and i was glad that i did not waste the care and support of those who really loved me….

the major part of my behaviour and personallity was inherited from both my parents who do not acknowledge giving up as a valid option, as well as constant challenges who demands myself to be better, stronger to free myself from constant suppression of others.

i do reliase that i am different than other guy friends around me….with different interest, priority and stuff……( altho we are very much close to each other)…maybe it’s because i put an imaginary weight on my shoulders. i have something to prove, to myself, and those who are around me, either to see me fail, or those who have wishful hopes for me…..i need to show them that i am more than who they think i am….

i did, along this rocky pathway, grumble about my luck, of why i have to go through all the hardship, while some would enjoy the same amount of luck, praise, and dignity with much less effort….but then i reliase that this might be what my destiny is like….having constantly to prove myself worthy…well, if that’s the way it is, i will gladly take up the challenge…

i dare not say i have good physical stamina….due to my external limitation :P…. but if you wanna compare stamina in terms of stubborness and determination….i have absolute confidence in it….

i do not think i am destined to fail. if i did, i wouldn’t have made it this far. thus, there’s no reason for me to give up now…..

actually the reason i write this post is about the never ending discussion of how bad the quality of russian education is…both by the impression of doctors and jpa in msia as well as the population in general….this has been a fruitless debate since i came in in first year….and well, after several years of remission, apparently the economic crisis recently has caused the exacerbation of this discussion……(somebody has to take the blame for every bad things happening around)….

and this has caused many worries among parents and the students here about how their future is going to be in malaysia later….it’s like giving them a death sentence without a fair trial….not even a chance to proove themselve…this thought is depressing….it’s something those people who stay constantly in warm climate wouldn’t understand……the long winter, the mood swing, the constant suppression….uhhhh…..

i looked back at how i describe and compare the different education system using my “orbit and pie theory“…..i seriously think that it was brilliant explaination tho….

i am done  with the oral explaination. i will prove it with my action when i graduate later….i do not guarantee the quality of the education as well as the graduates from russia as i do not have such a big power to exert influence to everyone…..all i can do is to serve my part well and be the best i can….

i will do my best to break each of the spectacles who once looked down upon me. i will make those ignorant people feel sorry and ashamed of themselves for labelling/ generalizing other people based on rumours and false impression….

if i am destined to face such challenges under such biased, predetermined conditions, so be it….i am used to such hostile environment anyway…

“凯”in my name designate victory. if you choose to stand in my way, too bad then, you are destined to loose…..

it’s wierd to know that when you do something that is instinctively right but consciously wrong, something bad happens everytime. it’s like a sign that you shouldn’t be doing it….

but yet, the more it seems like a mere coincidence that bad things will happen everytime after you do it, the more you feel like challenging it, experimenting it, as if pushing the limit of the power of nature on how bad she could make you suffer, taking you down when you least expected…..

i always wonder if it’s just the state of mind?is it physiological?? is it the guilt?or is it the nature’s way of telling me that i’m not on the right course…..after so many “coincidence”, i would very much like to belief that the latter is true…

 things which are consciously wrong have this catch : every attempt to supress it is followed by a greater urge to commit to it…..(you know, like a motor tics)….well, maybe you could call this addiction…

sometimes you just wish the nature have a more direct way to tell you things which are not right, telling what you should and should not do….and tell you the consequences of doing things which are “naturally” wrong, instead of hiding behind many masks, keeping you wondering the exact message that she wants to convey to you….

it’s been a long hiatus since i last blogged…

probably due to lack of motivation/inspiration, throughout this 5 months i didn’t have the urge to write anything….or maybe i did have, but it wasn’t strong enough to last till the time i get on to my keyboard…

i know, i blog crap all the time and most of my readers dun have any idea what i blog about….but i think rather than letting other people know what i think and how i feel, i think blogging is more important to me in a sense that i can see my ideas and my thoughts more clearly when i type. it’s like talking to a mirror, without people thinking that you are a psycho…..

these 5 months, altho wasn’t jotted down, was some of the most meaningful 5 months in my life…my view, my perception and my vision has changed…..i’ve look at things at different point of views, learning how other people see things differently from how i see it as well as understanding why they see it that way….

i was inspired by some people whom i never thought i would, touched by some simple things i used to ignore….instead of looking into what is, i try to find what could be….afterall, potential is what makes things interesting…

i would share all those in my coming post…..hopefully in the near future….

you didn’t do anything wrong….just the outcome didn’t turn out as i hoped it would be….

but then again, who cares what i feel right…..

on the day of my senior’s graduation, i had a chance to talk to one of the juniors who stayed back after his exam to witness the graduation like myself…

as one could expect, the usual opening conversation between a junior and a senior would be no other than "so how was your exam??"

being a smart student like himself, he obviously passed his exam with flying colours….

he did not have any complain about those subjects, but instead he had more to talk about other ppl’s opinion about them….

"you know ah, those senior’s comments on how scary the biochem exam was going to be was the one which gave me sleepless nights before my exam. the picture of how scary the teacher i going to be, the image of her failing me is much more scary than the subject itself"

in the end, after taking that subject, he actually found that those comments were exaggerated…..and things were not as scary as he thought it would be…

of course….that’s because he did well….

i remember back in 2nd year, during a psychology lecture (which i am sure, not many of my coursemate would remember, cause only few of us went)…the lecturer said….whatever challenge we have in life for the first time, it would be a stressful/hard one…our body will activate all it’s system to adaptate to this new activity he is doing… but once he has overcome the challenge….it would seem like a piece of cake…looking back, he would wonder why he was so stressed back then…

remember the first time you learn how to ride a bike?? try compare it with now, when you don need to think what you are doing….you let yout subconscious do all the work…

the same goes with writting, walking and talking….

in exam…..there’s this "psychological barrier"…..you know har….although you might have studied everything that is to be studied, learnt all that is to be learnt….but as long as you haven pass that exam, which might last a few minutes and do not test all the knowledge you have studied…..but it would seem like the exam gives you the license to that particular subject…..as in you are assumed to know everything after that exam….

it’s a wierd thing….although the knowledge you know is the same before and after the exam, it would seem like you know nothing before it, but after it, it seems like you are very pro at it, as if the knowledge have been with you for ages…

suddenly those fears which you had just a few minutes before the exam dissapeared into thin air in no time…..

everything is simple once you’ve overcome it….

it is a psychological barrier….a state of human mind which fear what is not known, considering every possible outcome, which make things very difficult. but once the barrier is broken, when you know what is and what will be, it’s not as fearsome anymore….

thus, seniors will always think juniors are weaker than them, when it’s just the matter of time when the all know the same thing…. it’s a psycological thing most ppl can’t overcome. take medical profession for example…..the senior doctors will always think their juniors are stupider, more incompetent with them. they compared it with their past experience….(bodoh)….when they don realise how much they suffered back then, because human mind tend to forget hardship…..that is why u see seniors doctors humiliating junior doctors all the time……well, what can you can…it’s the human limit….

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one more thing a person should consider is whom he takes the advice from.

take my words for it, the junior i mentioned above must have taken an advice from someone who probably didn’t do that good in his/her exam….and thus the teacher is scary, the exam is hard, everything is so horrible for that exam, that no one who take that exam should ever do well, in that person’s opinion…..but it’s never about him under prepared, nervous when facing the examiner, forgetting things which he’s supposed to remember….

things he forget would probably be intepreted as "the examiner giving him hard, scary, PHD-standard question which is not in the syllabus"

it’s always the examiner’s fault, the exam itself….but it’s never about the student fault…..and they go around giving comments as a flawless student in their eyes who had bad luck meeting a killer examiner….

"you know ah, i very suey la…..i got xxx for my exam….he asked alot of question…..and no matter how good you answer hor….he will not give 5 one…..4 is considered the max he would give edi…very suey la i got him…if i got the other examiner….sure can score well one…"

"did you answer all his question correctly ah…???"

"errr…..a few questions i couldn’t answer la…..but a few only ma….if with the other teacher sure no problem one…"

God knows how much is "a few" questions….

well, if you get advice from ppl like them, it would seem like you will never pass the subject….

on the other hand, those who got good results in the particular subject, will forget the hardship they went through before the exam extremely fast. ask them about those subjects, and they will tell you it’s an extremely easy one, one which u could do without much effort….take their advices and you will end up under prepared…coz they tend to be oversimplify…..and missing those details you ought to know….

of course you can take advices…..to give you enough mental preparation for whatever you do. but consider those advice from the point of view of the person giving them, and understand why they give such comment before taking them….could those advices apply to you?? are those tricks of the trade helpful in your case for this particular exam? or it’s just more practical to just learn the trade itself??

it’s the time of the year again when all russian medical students come back to msia for their summer holiday…

it’s been rather smooth sailing for me in this 4th year….altho there were alot of killer exams…

just when i thought everything is going as planned and it would be another perect year without any obstacles…..well, russia being russia, never fails to surprise me with some unexpected stuff….preventing me from being too happy….remind me why i hate this place so much when i came here in first year….(just when i was beginning to like this place…..sigh….)

you know, things which i would expect to give me some problem, unexpectedly went pretty smoothly…..my exam was ok, the deans did not give me any problem with the visa….and the weather in this summer this year round was surprisingly kinda cooling….

the only problem was, up to the day before our flight, we still did not have the tickets yet!!!

ok…if the above statement did not give you the idea of how serious this is, the following explaination might give u some clue…

russia is NOTa place a malaysian wanna stay for summer…..life in russia in summer is not fun at all without the academic stuff…..coz if u are not studying…there’s pretty much nothing u can do there…the food is….err….unimaginable by whoever who has not been to russia…the summer is hot….the hostel is empty…..and one can go crazy just by staying in the room doing nothing…i know i almost did….

this is the first time after my exam i did not rush to go back home. instead i allocate 1 week after it before i go home. i seriously regreted making that decision…it’s the worst decision i;ve made in russia, besides choosing to go there in the first place…haha.(kidding..i kinda like this place now..)

thus i get to enjoy the luxury of doing nothing…..NOT!! besides getting bored of the nothingness, i still have to worry about my air tickets….

from the past experience…..as any msian medical students here would know…going back to msia is like a big project for the students here….some even make it the sole purpose staying in russia—-waiting to go back home…and as russia, still being in the transition period between communism and capitalism, makes this "project" a challenging one for malaysians….esp when the amount of students keeps increasing from year to year… 

ok cut the crap…..on with the tragedy……

it all started in February after coming back from traveling in Vienna, when we booked our air tickets with Egypt Air via Alamin Travel. The deal was that they issue our e tickets  within a few days and we give bank in money later….

Day after day we waited and they did not issue our ticket. From February we waited till April…..and still there was no news from them.

We decided to changed agent because they did no keep their promise. And that’s the beginning of our tragedy back here to Malaysia….

At first we decided to take Qatar instead of Egyptair because it was relatively cheaper, and the agent said that there’s no problem with that airline because he has full access to the seats of that airline. he did booked our flight, and sent us our reference number, which when we checked at first, all flights were confirmed….and the only thing was to wait for the agent to come to collect the money and give us the tickets.

Day after day we waited….up till end of may (1 month before our flight), we were suddenly informed that there’s a problem with our bookings. the earliest date we could get for our returning back to Russia is 21th September…..i mean what the heck……..that’s 3 weeks of missing classes….and I’m gonna work much more to make up for the missing classes if I were to come back that late..

So the agent (his name is Azad, by the way), gave us an alternative, which was Emirates which has the date we want, but 800 ringgit more expensive, and Egypt air, which is of about the same price, but we have to go back later and come back abit later…

Well, because we thought to save some money, we decided to go with the second choice….

Ironically, those students who booked with the 1^st agent have already got their tickets which were confirmed by the airline….that’s when we started to regret doing so many things in the first place.

Ok…in no time at all, the agent issued us the booking reference from Egyptair. But who knows that he can change the booking anytime he wants…..one day all trips can be confirmed, but the next day you check, the number might not be valid anymore…..so even if it’s confirmed before, it could be waitlisted on the next…..i dun understand why the airline can give such power for the agent to change anything he wants….what if the agent misuse it to cheat the student’s money…..i mean it’s rather easy if u think of it……

it’s not until beginning of June when the agent sent one of his ppl to collect money from us bringing the tickets with him. But our Egyptair tickets was in form of e tickets, so he did not bring any of ours. And by that time, our flight is still waitlisted (although it was confirmed at first…)

this might b ridiculous for u, but we actually gave that guy our 4000 ringgit worth of roubles to a stanger we meet first time without him giving us any receipt or proof of purchase…..just our names written on a piece of paper… what were we to do wor….if we don’t give him money at that time, how else are we gonna pay for our tickets……( the agency is from Moscow, by the way)…..

the only thing he said was : “trust me!!!” and “ I don’t like to lie. It’s against my principle”

“when will we get out tickets??”

“ ok, today is Wednesday yeah, and I’ll reach Moscow by tonight yeah, so tomorrow I’ll do your ticket directly yeah, and you will get your ticket yeah, by……tomorrow, latest by Friday…..i promise…..latest is by Friday…..you just gotta trust me. I’ll DO THE TICKET MYSELF and make sure you get it myself.”

of course we don’t trust him. But we can’t do anything but to give him the money and pray that he doesn’t cheat our money…..but honestly, even if he did, we couldn’t do anything about it.

Sso on the next day, I smsed him, asking him about our ticket. And his reply was : sorry I don’t feel well today so I didn’t go to work today. I promise I’ll do it tomorrow.”

…………………………

ok fine. We were still worried. But still we decided to give him another chance and wait till Friday. On that fine morning I called him…and he said…yeah yeah I’m on it..you will get by today 4 pm

….

And as you might have expected. Nothing came thru our email by the end of the day…..

As we were having 2 of the most killing exam by that time, we couldn’t affort to give much effort to layan such ppl….altho we are much worried…and you know, having unnessasary stress doesn’t help with the exams.

After a few days not receiving anything from him I expressed how I was disappointed with him not keeping his promises and smsed him again an his reply was : JUST LIKE YOU I’M ALSO DISSAPOINTED WITH AZAD, FOR I THINK YOU KNOW THAT AZAD IS THE OVERALL MAN. I HAVE TOLD HIM 1000 TIMES TO SEND THE TICKETS, PLEASE I’M STILL TRYING.

It’s about 10 days before my flight and yet there’s still nothing from him. We were worried….

after our endless bugging, he finally smsed…

please, this is azad’s number.XXXXXXXXXXX. call him to find out with him. I’m sorry all this is happening.ok.

I mean what the fuck. This is not what he said when he took our money on that day…..

His name is KENEDI….something something .

Ok fine, we contacted azad, which was the first person we contacted in the first place. he is well known for not keeping his promise and have no sense of punctuality whatsoever……and that is why we asked this kenedi-idiot for help as we thought he could help making the process faster….mana tau this chicken deny all his responsibilities and wasted our time even more. He could have told us he has no power of doing anything, instead of acting like a big boss, as if he has the power to ask azad to do anything…..

Of course during the past 4 years, we’ve constantly have problem with our air tickets, as in there’s constantly delay, problem with the price…etc….but all of that was solved at least 2 months before our flight. That’s why I could tell you guys when exactly I was coming home last time. But this year, I was not even sure I could manage to get a ticket home….

We were counting the days before our flight while bugging AZAD from everyday to every hour to ever 10 minutes…..literally…..i’m not joking…..we actually called him every 10 minutes from 10am to 7pm everyday……..

We can become professional stalker edi….we know exactly how many lines he has, when is his lunch and dinner, how many workers are there. we even got his wife’s phone number, no kidding.

That 7 days after the exam was the most stressful days throughout my medical student life I tell you. Yes, this is more stressful than having path anat exam, and even neurology and int medicine exam….you see, at least when you feel nervous about exams, you could study to make you prepare better, but with that azad 800 miles away from us, there’s nothing we could do but to call him every 10 minutes , just to get a fake answer from him everytime….

Yes, he gives a lot of empty promises. Not that this signifies anything, but he is from Bangladesh.

His answer is standard one. When u call him at 10 am

…he’ll say….ok ok….check your email by 12 pm….when you call again by 12 pm after finding that your mailbox is empty, he’ll say “ yaya…settled edi…..i’m doing it now. You’ll get it by 4 pm….” Then finally when you call again by 5pm…he’ll say…: I promise you’ll get by tomorrow morning……

Very standard one his answer…..

12 pm,4pm,5pm, next day…..

So we were juggled around by him for a few days….and you know although we were very angry we dare not scold him….coz of the fear of him not wanting to do the ticket for us…..as it was very late edi to change agent by that time….besides….we did not have any proof that we paid him….very pathetic right….

And his assistants would answer the phone, and without giving much thought, would say : he’s busy, call after 10 minutes.” Or “he went out. Call back later”

We later found out that he biasa issue ticket last minute  edi….but those who bought from him will eventually get the tickets…getting tickets 2 days before flight is biasa for him edi……that sort of relieved our tension abit…..

But this time, he really broke his personal record…..

On the day before our flight….we were still at where we were in the first place, paid money, no receipt, no ticket, our booking reference not valid……

I woke up early that day. 5am.I can’t get myself to sleep peacefully although exam was over. The thought of not getting to go home and having to stay in Russia for the rest of the summer is just unbearable….you get the idea…

I called at 10 am. Azad picked up the phone himself. He personally told me that “ don’t worry, everything is settled. I have your tickets ready and I could issue it anytime.just that I have some problem I still have to resolve with the airline. you will receive your tickets by 12pm”.

Finally we couldn’t stand it anymore. We called him again at 12 to ask about the so called “technical problem”

This is that he told me:

There’s an increase of price from 24000 till 29000 since 1^st of july with Egyptair. but we made your reservation with them earlier in june. So it’s not fair you. That is why we were trying to negotiate wit you to get you a good price….

We don’t know how true it was, but our guess is that he did not make our booking till the last minute and that’s why the problem existed….

So we were asked to called back at 4pm….as usual….to wait for his “good news”

Again…we were disappointed.

5pm: he said: I’m running to the airline now…wait wait….(bullshit)

(mind you, we call all his available lines every 10 minutes)

I’m sure he’s frustrated……but so were we, as we had to bear the tension not a customer should bear…to worry things that were supposed to be their concerns…

His office closes at 7…….our flight is on the next day 6pm. We are leaving to Moscow by 4am the next morning….so we had to get everything done by that day itself….

We called again at 630 pm…. Talking to his assistant.with abit of anger….: u close at 7, and it’s 630 now. If you can’t get it done, you should tell us …don’t give empty promises…..i want to talk to your boss now…”

“He’s busy now. He’ll call you when he’s free tonight…”

“what?? But you are closing soon!!!”

“don’t worry…he’ll be around until 10 pm" 

when we called again after 7pm……

no one answered the phone……………..

then all 5 of us call all his line at once…….ALL of them…..untill Azad couldn’t stand it and at last smsed me….:” plz wait. Will call you at 10 pm.You will get your ticket any how. please don’t call me now”

we were exhausted at that time…..esp me…I was dead tired…calling since 10 am…I actually waited his call till I fell asleep….

He finally called at 1145pm (almost 2 hours late) : I’M SORRY. WE CAN’T RESOLVE THE “TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH EGYPT

AIR”

I was still feeling sleepy but when I heard that….my eyes terus terbeliak….

But he continued: I have 2 options now….you will still fly tomorrow but earlier with Qatar tomorrow….i can confirm the tickets straight away. Dun worry, I put your return date 21^st of September first, but I’ll adjust it later…..(after all that happen, do you seriously think we will trust you??? Do you think we’re morons?)

“the second one is that you take the 2^nd September flight with Emirates. And you return on 2^nd September. But I need time to confirm it.i give you the booking reference now….but you need to wait for me to send you the confirmation code by 11am

tomorrow morning….”

Anyone with the right side of mind would pick the second choice. And we did just that. But that means we have to spend a night in the airport…..and from the past experience….having to wait there for 12 hours is already very excruciating…. This time, if everything is according to plan, we have to wait there for 36 hours…..

After getting the booking  reference from that guy ( it was already 1am by then), I called back home….telling my mom that I’m gonna be one day late.

At that time, I did not have a bit of confidence that I would reach home on the day mentioned to my mom. And we depart to Moscow

without having any tickets….only the booking reference which could be changed by the agent anytime….

At 12 pm we finally reached Moscow….THERE NO STILL NO NEWS FROM THAT AZAD……….and when we checked with the airline….it says our booking to KL WAS CANCELLED and it was CHANGED TO MANILA……manila you know….freaking manila….!!

we called every 10 minutes….untill 1pm

when we got fed up…..and decided to serbu directly to his office…..

theres a distance from airport to the office. We had to take bus, metro, and bus again….not forgetting to mention we were stuck in the traffic jam for 1 hour…..

we finally reached the office at 4pm….once we reached……we ask Azad….

“do you know who are we?”

“no”

“we are from nizhny Novgorod……..we…..”

“oh hey, I’ve been trying to call you…..”

“there’s some problem with the booking ….they changed the system today and everything got messed up….(whatever)…”

only when we reached…..he started to ask his wife to settle our ticket…..only then he begin to work with our tickets…..imagine what would happen if we did not go there….

We waited for another 4 hours……yes…..4 hours….before we finally get our electronic tickets…..printed on a piece of paper….it was 8 pm and we couldn’t verify with the airline as it was closed at that time…

We reached back the airport at 11pm….exhausted….and hungry….

Counting down….we have 19 more hours before our flight….

We chatted, watched shows on our com…..trying our best to sleep on the steel bench which only reach half our back…..and try every single posture imaginable to fit to the chair…..trust me, you don’t know how your body can twist and turn until you spent a night in Moscow airport….

>>>>>>

finally it’s time to check in….and there was a problem…..the girls decided to check in together but didn’t know that their luggage was over the limit…and the airline wanted to charge them 600 euro…..i mean….you can even buy another ticket with that…..

not that we don’t wanna pay it…..we don’t even have the money to pay it…

but honestly I think it’s not the airline’s fault, and it was abit inappropriate for them to scold the airline lady….saying things behind their back….things you don’t wanna know….

But in the end , with abit of adjustment, we didn’t pay a single cent……see, with the same amount of weight boarding on the plane, the price paid could differ enormously….

If that’s not bad enough……I had to sit with a fat guy for 8 hours during my flight back from dubai to KL…..it’s not me being discriminative, but that guy is practically having half of his abdominal fat crossed over my seat…..seriously, I thought I was already very fat…..but he is double my size…. And he has that smell….i dunno how to describe…..but the whole journey was not comfortable at all……

But in the end, I managed to reach home by Friday evening after staying in my aunt’s house for 1 night…

I left nizhny’s hostel on Monday 4am…..see how much time I took to reached home??

So I’m sorry for not telling you guys earlier that I’ll be home…..coz as you can see….i dun even know it myself…..

i had a lot of craving of food, anticipation for seeing everyone, including my families and friends…..but all of the feeling sort of drained by long tiring journey…..no thanks to mr azad from aeroservice….

Well, this could be a good reference for the coming junior….

But for now,I’m gonna learn to enjoy the rest of my holidays….

Ciaoz…..

sensitization is a term used in medicine to describe the first encounter of a body with an antigen. sensitization is the first step of an allergic reaction. the result of the meeting of body with antigen causes the production of antibody, which, during the next encounter with the antigens, will combine with it, forming immune complex (antigen-antibody complex) ……this complex will react within susceptible person with high sensitivity, and thus causing  activation of cascade of immune reaction, manisfested by skin lesions, bronchial asthma….etc…

if the immune reaction is not suppressed, the "chemistry" will become more brightly manifested each time the body encounters with the antigens….

the same principle could be applied to the academical lectures here, which might seem redundant to most of the people here. i get it that it’s boring to go to lecture for some. and i’m not here to insult those who does not go lecture…..so don take it personally…

attending lectures can be taken as a form of "sensitization". while u might come out of the lecture hall thinking that u have 0 input, try to think of it as it’s the initial encounter with the "antigen" ie the materials which u have to put in your brains…and it’s no wonder that no chemistry is seen……but trust me….the "antibody" is being produced inside your body……and the "immune memory" will remain in your body for sufficient amount of time….

all you need is 2nd, 3rd, 4th encounter with the lecture materials to have a sufficient manifestation of "allergic reaction". the more u expose yourself to the "antigens" the bright manifestation will be…well, if your immune response doesn’t react well to that particular antigen….you just have to continue with 5th, 6th and 7th…..and so on….

nevertheless, "sensitization" is very important….(altho i believe many would beg to differ)

of course, many attempted to get "sensitization" for once or twice….but quickly gave up due to the lack of effect…they wanna see instant reaction, which is quite impossible …coz as i’ve said just now, the first encounter doesn’t produce much manifestation, but it’s an important step to the following reaction….

if you get enough "sensitization", you will understand how easy it is to develope the chemistry during your exams later…..( well, not VERY easy, but relatively easier….) coz ur immune complex react faster with each "sensitization"…..thus it’s easier to build up the antibodies earlier in your body than to have to sensitize it many times in s short time, sometimes so short that your immune system can’t handle it, and thus leading to severe "anaphylactic shock"….

and then there’s this remark on why should we go lecture, when we can get the senior’s notes without any effort….why waste our time attending lectures?

ok, let me tell you about the active and passive immunity. active immunity is when you are injected small amount of deactivated antigen into your body and it actively produces antibody to prepare for the subsequent meeting of the antigens….while passive immunity refers to the antibody which is produced by other animals which were injected certain antigens. those antibodies are named serum and are transferred into the human body. it is called "passive" because our body does not actively produce any antibody, and thus, do not have the "memory" on how the antigen works….

see, when a person with active immunity meets an antigen, he fights it with his own antibody….while a person injected with passive immnunity fights it with antibody produced by a horse! of course, u could expect that the effect of a person with an active  immunity would resist the antigen longer….while the passive ones will need to depend on another dose of serum antibody….

after the war with the antigen is over, the person with active immunity will have residual memory of the antigen, while there is no trace of memory in those will passive immunity…

now try to apply it with the lecture as an antigen and senior’s note as a horse’s serum…..(no disrespect to the seniors watsoever)….the math is simple….while it’s easy not to give any effort to produce any "antibody", reading second hand materials tend to give less input and effect on the "immune memory"……compared to the impact given exposing yourself to the "real deal"…..

russia was not heard of (for me) when i was first sent here. it was a disaster for me when i got the news that i got the scholarship, but was sent to russia. i felt like God was playing jokes with me. i had a dillemma, between to stay in msia doing what i dun like, and to persue my dreams in a place that wasn’t the place i thought i would be for my uni life. and i chose the latter.

i went through a transition period, asking God what have i done wrong for him to send me to such a place, where i have to learn a new language, to adapt to a new system, and to meet ppl i never i thought exist in the medical world…..dun get me wrong…i dun mean anyone bad in specific…..just some ppl who can make you feel : "wa…..like that also can one ah"

everything was totally different from what my imagination of my medical school life would be….i have to worry about things medical students are not supposed to be worrying…

and i am well aware of the difference between the medical education here and the rest of the world….and i have extra things to prove when i graduate later….

all these made me wonder, is this another joke played by God to test me? will it be that on the last minute, suddenly they tell me that i can’t continue my dreams anymore? and that all my hardwork so far is for nothing??

i dun understand why i was sent here, to persue a road not many is persuing. in fact, i dun understand alot of things. but i believe. i do believe somethings happen for a reason. all these wierd wierd things, all the ppl i meet, exist around me for a reason. and who knows, i might exist for other ppl’s "reason"…..

and i accept all that. i won’t reject whatever challenge is thrown at me….i won’t reject these wierd stuff which are not in their right course in my opinion. i won’t judge those ppl who doesn’t follow my ideal of how ppl should behave and do…i will try to accept things who are not understandable to me….coz i can’t possibly understand everything….

things are easier for me that way….

u might call it denial…..but i call it acceptance….

有，那一刹那间，我有被感动到。。。

"what do we have to do to unite every malaysians here in nizhny novgorod? to put aside our difference, to fight hand in hand for the common goal, and to celebrate the joy and victory together, and to appriciate the success as if it was our own…"

as a committee member of malaysian student association here, this is the question we’ve always been wanting to answer….

"perhaps a NIzhny GAmes 2008 would do the trick ??"

it was a big project for us nizhnians which involved many people, and we couldn’t possibly have done it without the teacher’s support.

i am not going to talk about how far is it from our place, who is participating, how the food sucks, how the condition of the hall is, which economical and political problems we faced.hell, i’m not even going to talk about the athletes and how well they played….

but this post is indeed about nizhny games…

i remember back in march i said in my post "numbness" that i feel indifferent to my surroundings, and that i dun think anything can surprise me nor touch me anymore….

by touched, i mean 感动(terharu), a word no other language can describe better…. it’s a feeling that makes you wanna cry, makes you shed the tear of joy, but at the same time, you are too happy to cry….so basically ur face will look ugly and distorted when u have that kind of feeling….

anyway, nizhny games gave that feeling back to me….

i am far from being able to stand on the court to play and fight for the glory of our uni…but as a nizhnians, i thought i would play a role as a supporter for those athletes who played….

i could never forget how everyone cheered and shouted for our teams…esp on the first day during the volleyball match. we waved flags, stamped our feet on the groud, waving pom-poms, making noise with empty bottles filled with coins….and shouting "go, nizhny go nizhny go go GO!!!"

i dunno why, but at that moment, i really felt like crying…..i was so touched by the high spirit shown by our nizhnians then….

everyone, from juniors, to seniors, some which you expect would be studying at home by that time, some which you didn’t know that could be so "open", some which hardly ever talk to each other, and some even met for the first time, stood together, on the same row, opposide the opponent’s supporters, shouting, and cheering for the players who are playing on the court….sometimes we even got too carried away till we forgot that the game is still going on…..

for a moment there, i actually had the "pseudomorph" that nizhnians are very united….coz i never expect to see everyone so semangat at that time…..

i believe not even me, but most of the people who were cheering at that time were surprised that they are doing something like that at that time too….dun deny it, coz i could see it in everyone’s face that they are surprise themselves, coz this is not a scene that u can see everyday in nizhny…

it’s like thinking that we are crazy and "uncool" by shouting and jumping around with excitement, but somehow it’s soooo cool when everyone does it together with the same tone and frequency….and for once, we are happy for being so crazy……

for a moment there, all the supporters’ heart is all towards the player, beating at the same frequency, hoping that they could really score well, cheered when they managed to give a good shot, and felt the pain when the opponent scores…praying to their respective God that the players would win the match….

there’s a feeling like we wish we could channel some form of "energy" to the players, so that they could play better…that if we could, play for you when you are exhausted….we hope that the players could feel the energy and keep the spirit high to finish the games…

i am going to say this as least sissy as possible, but for a moment, i actually find those athletes, be it males or females, more handsome and pretty like never before….. 

speaking as the no1 skema guy here in nizhny novgorod, i can tell you that the satisfaction of being able to be part of the event, even as a supporter, to be able to experience the spirit of togetherness, is magnificant beyond comprehension. it’s a satisfaction different from the 5s u score in your exams….it’s something you won’t understand if u dun experience it yourself, and i pity you for missing it….and i am even sorry you don’t realise it….

of course, all that was for "a moment"….

soon, there was comparison on who shouted louder, and those who did not shout as loud was claimed to be not as supportive. and then there was complain about ho the food sucked, the money crisis, the suspicion on where the money went, the complains on who’s doing what wrongly, the fingers pointing at each other to avoid responsibilities, the fight for credit on who played the biggest role….

all of that gave me a rude wake-up-call from the pseudomorph i was having………       

niznhny games is just around the corner and yet the committees are facing serious financial crisis in order to make this event real…

as far as reality is concerned, money IS indeed an important factor in determining the success of these events.

all the preparation we’ve done (i mean "they" have done)  including the project setia, the cheerleading, the singing, dancing, the food we’ve bought, the effort the sportsmen haven put in, will go down the drain if this amount is not gathered in less than 3 days time.

backing out is not an option now.

after account and budget was revealed last week about the shortage of so much amount of money, there were of course hoo-hahs about the committee trying to cheat the money, that there were some suspicion of the money "missing" somewhere, more probably into the committee’s pocket. (this is not a subjective opinion, have a look at the account prepared by them and you will think the same too). the the Q&A session that day was basically a war revolving only the budgets and the accounts….

and well, 2 person was appointed to audit the account….myself being one of them. at first i tot our job was to check again the account and confirm everything with proper proof and approve it. but their 2nd account was just as unbarable as the first one. so we basically have to clean up their mess from ground zero…

after 3 days of mingling around the accounts, we finally managed to solve the mystery of the "missing" money….

i’m sure this is quite dissapointing to some of the ppl (actually i believe most), but if any of the nizny student is reading this, i’m sorry to announce to you that your anticipation to seeing a good show of how we reveal the "missing money" has to be let down. the money is not missing. we failed to find any evidence of the committee cheating (as many would want to see)……..there were just technical accounting, and mathematical mistakes….(i tried not to include the word "stupid" here coz i made a vow to myself to use that word less often)

and so this means that everyone is required to pay extra ( a total of 300rub for non-players, and 700 in the players)….

this post does not end here….

as the title indicates, it’s not about the money………

c’mmon, i’m sure 100 roubles is not an issue for most of the students here. you can’t even but a set of mc donalds with 100 roubles nowadays. even an extra 500 roubles, in my opinion, is affordable to most ppl.

handling 500 roubles is not a problem. but handling 500 roubles of 300 students is a large responsibilities.

i’m sure nobody would wanna cheat 100 roubles. but if having 100 roubles of 300 person gives you alot of space and opportunity to telan the money for yourself and not having anyone to know it…..

so it’s not about the money at all, it’s about the trust….

the mentality of most of the people here is that: it’s such a huge sum of money, how would i know if you won’t use the money in anyway for your own benifit?? why should you be trusted with such huge responsibilities?

you see, for one, many ppl are afraid to see ppl benifit, whether or not they loose anything at all. as an example, one of the sportsteam gets money to buy equipment, and the rest of the teams want money too…..even if they can do without it….

the second issue is trust. ppl don trust each other anymore these days. hearts are filled with suspicion, disbelieve and ignorance. this is rather ironic, as it contradicts with motto and aim of the nizhny games itself. what happened to the sportsmanship?? how do we expect to win if our hearts are not united??

regarding of whether the current committee is qualified and up to standard or not, well, i believe there are many others that could have done it better, avoiding the clumsy mistakes and not-so-wise decisions…..i’m sure many are complaining about the current committees…and go around bragging that they can do much better…

but one thing is for sure, for many are capable of doing the job, only those who are brave enough to take up that huge responsibilites are fit for the job. brag all you want, but if u do not have the guts to take the responsibilities, it doesn’t mean anything at all….

with huge power comes huge responsibilities. as many long for power to control such huge event with such big amount of money, not many can bare the huge responsibilities that comes together with it. i know of some ppl who dream and brag of how they would spend the large amount of money better than the current committees now, that they would plan the budget better, distribute it wiser…………but then again, these ppl could only dream…..

chinese has a good idiom on this : before critisizing on other’s fault, think first, of whether yourself is flawless.

thus, i give the current committee a thumbs up for having the guts, and willingness to take the initiative to take this huge responsibilities. at least that’s one thing that i couldn’t do.  of course, they are to answer to everything that is going to happen, good, or bad.

you can find thousands of mistakes of the work they’ve done. but where does this bring us? more condamning and damaging is not gonna solve the current problem. instead, you could help by pointing out how things could be done better.

if how much benifit they’ve gained was your concern, then our auditing proved that your concern was for nothing. so, it means that they have done the job without any profit, and they were doing it because they were responsible enough to take the job….and there is no reason to be blamed for that…

one of the member of the committee told me : i have maids in my house all my life, and never before have i talked to them like how those ppl talked to me in the meeting the other day…..

you may have excuse not cooperate because u had questions on the money-whereabouts. if prove is what you need to give full cooperation for this event, well, our auditing can provide you all the evidence of the money in/outflow….

so basically, if the problem is not with the accounting…..there should be no problem collecting the money. and if the problem still exist, i suspect these ppl do not have intention to cooperate at all in the first place, and the accounting mistakes and all was an excuse to delay things….and thus having 2 audits working their ass off to prove the account was a mere waste of time….

now if this happens, who is to blame then???