things happened lately…unpleasant things…not life-threatening kind of big, but just unpleasant…
it’s like being splashed by cold water….icy cold…but that made me realise a few good things..
living in russia isn’t easy. away from your comfort zone,to a place with competitive and unfriendly surroundings…and one way to keep yourself surviving is keep the feeling of being ’superior’…that u are on top of the others…be it in studies, dota, sports….anything that would make ppl look at you in a different way, not just another passerby….
and i guess this does not just apply here…in fact the whole society does that…
harsh words are said to those seemingly weaker….to make them feel inferior….and on the other hand, to make yourself believe that you are indeed stronger…
it’s cruel to think so, but i realise that i too, in attempt to being a nice person, came out with some harsh words towards other ppl, which, i think i might have some intention make myself think i am superior than others too….(altho i do know thinking that way sounds very wrong….)
but when real life situations come in, and you realise that you are indeed very puny too make any difference, when you cannot do anything to change life and death, when all the advice you could give to a patient is same as those that could be recommended by a mother to a child,even after 4 years of medical studies, and all you could do when you loose your bank card is to call back panicly and ask for your mom’s help…keeping her awake till 1 am……you suddenly feel very useless…
loosing control of your own financial status can do alot to you…things will have to be tuned down a little till you gain back control.some adjustments have to be made and you might not feel as powerful as b4…and you are just gonna live with it…for now..
i "think" i was once a considerate person, thinking about other’s feeling before saying something…i remembered scolding ppl for being inconsiderate, without thinking twice b4 saying something hurtful towards ppl’s feeling….and i even thought that it was a childish act….and guess what, i am doing the same thing now….although in a much sarcastic and cooler way…
i wanna be my old self back now….if that is possible…i wanna be sensible, considerate and down to earth….i really do….i just need to figure out how…
my mom used to warned me about ego….says that it’s a dangerous thing…it makes you feel good at first…makes you feel superior…on top of the world even….but it is associated with greed, pride, and carelessness….which will, in the end, lead to disaster…it will consume you from inside, blurring your vision, your thoughts….before leading you to failure…
it is addictive.it’s hard to throw away your ego at one day….it’s easy to adapt to superiority, but not the other way round. it’s not easy, but i am adapting…
nobody forces me to such situtation that i am in now…it’s just me, wanting a breakthrough…maybe i’ll get just that if i throw away everything i have now and start from the bottom all over again….it’s like if you have an empty bottle rather than a full one, you could fill it up with more new stuff…
i also learnt not to judge. it is ok if i think you are not fit to be a doctor, that your IQ is not more than a primary school boy, it doesn’t matter if i think your gf is better off alone than marrying you in the future, it’s none of my business that you sing like crap and still wants to perform on stage. everyoe has a choice. and even if i think otherwise, i can’t change anything…and i shouldn’t stop the earth from spinning…or rather…i don care anymore…
truth and justice is what seems to hold up the society….but the very naked truth is, we don’t always want truth to be revealed. we hear what we want to hear, what we expect to hear…we like to hear long flowery sentences when everything could just be summarized in 5 words. we hope to hear lies telling us there are still hope when the fact clearly indicate otherwise…..we always demand for justice when injustice happen to us, but deep down inside, we hope for injustice to happen, just let it be on our side, benifits us in our way…..
so if truth and justice isn’t always the best choice….we don’t have to stick to it all the time..i mean…i will not say everything which comes into my mind…even if i think it’s 100% right…as you might not wanna hear it…
i will not lies and paint beautiful pictures…but i’ll just keep silence… knowing the truth might do you more good, but you won’t thank me for that….and i’m not that noble anyway….
there’s a chinese idiom that goes like "if you have bad mouth and bad temper, you can’t be considered as a good person even if your heart is kind." i’m gonna start by controlling my temper and my mouth first…and trust me….it’s very difficult for me….
i am in one of the low moment of my life now…and i feel sorry that i have to go through it alone…help is seeked but it’s not how i want it to be…or rather who i want it to be…maybe it’s just not the right time and the right place….
but it gives me more opportunity to rethink, reconstruct and reassemble everything again from the very beginning…to reconsider my aim and goals…and i hope soon i will revive again from the ashes….like the phoenix…
i am not depressed now. i am enlighted, and more determined to be a better person than i am now…do not symphatize me, but expect a stronger me…..soon….i hope…
