SECRET CORNER OF THANATOS

hah! i bet this post won’t attract as much attention as the previous " i know i am fat"  post in friendster…

but seriously, thanks for all the support given by all my friends….and the attention given to my grumble…although i would appreciate it if the same attention were given to my self-proclaimed "philosophy" which i had some inspiration to write last semester when i was having this subject….not only when i admit that i’m fat…

too bad then, i guess it’s part of human nature to anticipate misery of other people…and shows little interest of the good news that other people have to share…. don get me wrong..i’m not saying your concern about me is fake or anything….I APPRECIATE IT…..REALLY…..but the next time i wanna catch your attention….do i need to be banged by a car….or be hit by a hooligan or something?? well, i hope not….

about what happened that night…my anger only lasted for a while….i actually took 30 minutes to type that entry…and felt so much better after that….and i actually went up again to play games….never would i thought that so many people read my blog….and gave such huge attention to it….dunno whether to laugh, to be proud, or to cry and feel ashamed….haha…

some even came to console me….assuming that i would commit suicide….comparing me with a person who just lost her bf….

well, i can say that i don keep grudge…a typical characteristic of a sagittarius…. and i can forget about it the next hour,,,,ir even sooner….but at the moment when i am angry….i could be nasty….the previous entry is a solid proof…

however…the effect of my action seemed to last longer than i’ve expected….hahaha…up till today, people still think that i’m upset over that matter…sigh…

i am a confident person. that small teasing wouldn’t affect me much….

and i do know how the psychology of people teasing other people work….they try to gain confidence by stepping on other people….esp if that person is superior to him in other aspects…he would feel the ecstacy of "overcoming" that person…..it’s an obvious sign of insecurity and is pathetic in my eyes…..i would be an idiot to fall for that…..

but nevertheless, i’m still human…

ok enough of that…

have finished my medical informatics cycle….it was supposed to be the easiest cycle….but i dunno why i feel so tired…maybe it’s because the effect of adynamia or something…

starting a new cycle… general surgery…but today our teacher was too busy performing a surgery removing tumor from esophagus….it was a long surgery…and i hate standing there doing nothing….and have no basic knowledge about it…(the frustration of not knowing)

brought juniors out last weekend….to buy winter clothes, carpet and stuff…things are getting more expensive…and the juniors are getting more fussy….sigh…but it has been a long time since i’ve been there….i think this is the 4th time since i came here….throughout the 2 years i mean….good also…can escape from the monotonous life…

i’m still enjoying hanging out with the juniors…they are still so innocent and ignorant about the ugly fact of this place and people here…(both locals and malaysians)…but as usual i think this won’t last long.. i feel the satisfaction being able to help….probably due to absence of siblings in my life…

i remember during the first few days when they came…a junior who was bornt in the same year as me told me that he was impressed by how mature our thinking was….and how we were able to keep a smile on our face living here…..i wanted to tell him the cruel fact behind our smiles, everything that is ugly…..to tell him that sooner or later, he would be able to differentiate between the true good people and the fake ones…that the fox will reveal its tale in the passing of time….

but in the end…i’ve decided to let him discover it by himself….

actually, i do feel "old" now….and kinda insulted when the juniors don’t think i watch animes….they were so amazed that i know about naruto, dota and stuff….(although just the technical part of them)…but still, i’m still part of this generation eh….

and i ate tofu this whole week…met a lady in vokzal who promised to bring ownmade tofu…. you might not know this…but tofu is extremely rare in russia…even the russian teachers don’t know about it… so it’s like we’ve found a gold mine….of course…rare stuff tend to be expensive….so..please anticipate the next volume of thanatos cook book…hehe

had a nightmare 2 days ago…the night before my last test on medical informatics…

i was sitting in the bus…somehow quite in front….it was at night… and there were traffic jam…we were complaining about how late it was and why isn’t the bus moving….so the us driver took a shortcut…it went into a small lane…when he made a turn…i suddenly saw a dead body lying straight at the roadside….the bus just went pass it…. soon after…i could see many bodies lying on the road….but the wierd thing was…the bodies looked so…."plasticky"

i was awaken by that dream…

then when i went back to sleep…another nightmare happened…

i went to a restaurant…a steamboat style kind of restaurant. owned by a korean..so i ordered the value meal which cause about 300++roubles lo…the food looked nice…then after that the tauke bring on some extra food which i did not order….when i was about to complain…somebody called me…i went out to answer the phone…mana tau the tauke’s children ate all my food…when i was about to leave…i was asked to pay the bill…so i think i gave the credit card….but when the bill came back….to my surprise it cost about 40000 roubles…i was really shocked by that…..and woke up once again

i think the second dream was more scarier than the first…..

they say when a person is in love…their heartbeat tend of beat faster…

recently chat with a friend online…it’s different chatting with her..it’s like we’ve never seen for ages..chat non stop….and with her i could talk about anything….not just the formal questions…and the most significant difference is…i type very fast, because i’m scared that she will offline the next minute……my heartbeat tends to go faster too…

is that a sign?? i really don’t know… but i’m really afraid to make the next move…because i’m afraid of loosing a close friend….one that i really cannot afford to loose…

anyway i dunno how also…hahaha…and the judging from where i am and what i am doing now…i don’t think it’s the right time….(coward?? maybe….)…hmm…talk about conflict between the heart and the brain….

oh, i almost forgot the main reason i type this post……

I GOT MY PARCEL!!! at last i can cook more than just ikan bakar and satay selup….have been surviving on these 2 spices for 6 weeks…..with some modification la of course….but still when i really dunno what to eat edi if the parcel don come any sooner…

was quite dissapointed whenever i open the hostel door and see the empty desk for the past 6 weeks…. when the 1st few times the parcel reach my my name wasn’t there…felt even more sad….(yes…more sad than being called "Fat")…..

i’ve even thought that i sank in the sea……somewhere around indian ocean…..

now i can finally cook…with more variety…YAY!!

ok….better get back to "asepsis" for tomorrow’s general surgery class……

a good food must stimulate all 5 senses: it must look good, smells good, taste good, feels good when put into mouth….

and about the last sense…..well, you should hear you stomach growling with the combination of all 4 senses stated above…

within these 2 weeks, i have been eating only seafood, because i’m too lazy to cut the chicken…

and oh, i have bought a steamer….for around 500 roubles…it makes my cooking life alot easier….just dump everything inside…and wait for about half an hour…

but i’m still having trouble "steaming" rice though….

so these are the following recipes i have managed to collect…
1)Brinjal tuna yong tau hu
2)chicken kebab
3)clourful swamp
4)crab salad
5)crabmeat steamed fish+egg
6) fish salad
7)fish Steak
8)Fried Fish+ kicap
9) Golden Rice of Greece
10)Hawaiian Delight
11) Mites From HEll
12)Nasi Lemak+sotong Sambal
13) Squid Salad
!4)Steamed ikan Bakar
15)Sweet Sour Pasta
16)THanatos Grilled fish +dumpling
17)THE OCEAN OF FIRE

Thanatos cooking Tip: everything u cook, u cook with your heart, and your food will turn out just nice….

for the pictures, please click here

but i do not need to be reminded about it all the time…

i do not need friends who judge me by my appearence…they are not fit to be my friends

do they seriously think i’m comfortable being fat?? i’ve tried my best to loose weight…but i wanna do it the healthy way….i’m not sure if i can make it….but i’m trying really hard…

don get me wrong, i try loose weight not just to impress those superficial people who pretend to call me a friend…..but i understand the risk of obesity and i wanna loose weight for my own health…

but to humiliate me in front of others in gatherings is just too much. making me the clown of the day by judging my appetite and my size is just unaccetable to me. making fun of me saying that whatever is in front of me will vanish in a split second is not funny to me…

i don understand….if i can tolerate ur stupidity and lameness for soooo long, why can’t you tolerate a fat goo in your sight…if it’s too unbearable for your delicate eyes….why don’t you go blind yourself then?

ish……sounds harsh pula…

but really buay tahan some people here…like to judge other people sooo much….

they should learn how to look themselves in the mirror….after a few minutes commenting about how much i eat (from the past experience) and make a joke out of it…..they were fighting for food themselves…literally….as if they haven been eaten for ages….how degrading…and an insult to human civilization…of course….after being condemned as the one who eat the most….i din have much appetite…( and not that the food is THAT nice to put into my mouth)….

being a future doctor, they should learn how to be considerate…taking care of others feeling…

well, nobody is perfect. i’m too good in other stuff edi….so don’t be jealous and attack my only weakness….(hahaha…..perasan pula)….but in front of those who see me as a fat stupid and obtuse pig, i would really like to tell them the above statement…

i like to eat….nothing is gonna change that fact…no even your hurtful words… but i don just eat anything…i eat only quality food…for example…..those food that i cook…hehe

to those who have never been fat all your life….you wouldn’t understand how is it feeled like to be called a pig, cow, fatty….etc…that simple noun can ruin your mood for the whole day….

ah….meeting all the jerks here makes me miss my friend back in m’sia, some in uk, singapore, ireland, india and maybe some other places…..able to be not so judgemental of my appearance….at least not in front of my face..(although i do realise i kinda spoil the group pic sometimes)….well, reality is cruel…

i know i’m fat…..but i’m cute too…..don’t u think so??? hehe….

p/s sorry for the emo words…

before i’ve realised it, this is actually the fifth week since i came back from malaysia.

i have been counting the days since the day i came back…wondering when will i go back again. my grandma would always ask me the same question everytime we talk on the phone.she says she misses me so much and ask me to come back when i have holidays.to comfort her(and myself), i told her that i might be able to come back during cny, although now it seemed quite impossible, mainly because my class will start again before cny.

this home sick thingy soon dissapeared when i’m burdened with the assignments and tests from pharmacology.that is an interesting subject i would say, but having it day after day for 3 weeks…i kinda got bored.( don get mistaken, i still pay attention in classes).i dunno. maybe it’s just my nature to be hangat hangat tahi ayam….

but later on i moved on to pathologic anatomy. it was an interesting subject to study, altho i dislike the part studying with microscope…(i prefer the theoretical part)…saw alot of pathological features. and knew some interesting facts.

what the old people say is right. we shouldn’t scratch or try to remove the moles on our body or we’ll die.all the moles have potential pre cancerous property. if it developes, a person could die of melanoma in about a few weeks.it’s an extremely agressive tumor.

and all mushrooms are hepato toxic.our teacher strongly suggest us not to eat any mushrooms, esp russian mushrooms. she said asians have some intolerance to russian mushroom and can probably cause death.

don bite your lips.u can probably die of it.trauma or injuries on the lip can cause transformation in intracellular protein accumulation, called leukoplakia…when white spots appear in the lips. this is also a precancerous process. it’s typical among the smokers.

oh, and hypertension(high blood pressure) can never be treated, in case of generalized hyalinosis in the blood vessels.

there’s a hereditary disease called porferea, which somehow connected with agression of a person.on autopsy of a person with porferea, we could see dark orange skin and bone. even the urine in the urine bladder is like orange juice, literally. altho this is a rare disease, but it’s nevertheless interesting.

sigh….having to learn all these stuff makes me realise one thing. the only way u could avoid getting sick is not doing anything, because it seemed that whatever u eat, your every move is wrong in the medical point of view…..but having a healthy life without having a real life in the first place is just pathetic. i won’t be happy living that way.of course i would avoid those obvious death trap which only morons would not see such as smoking and drinking…but not eating mushrooms?? no way man….

oh, and the juniors came. met a few of them. some are quite interesting to talk to. i dunno why. i am quite excited on their arrival, probably because i like to see new faces. this might juz be hangat hangat tahi ayam again (typical characteristic of sagittarius), but for now, i’m eager to help them with their life and studies here. oh and there’s a particular guy from jpa, a second jpa chinese after myself here in nizhny novgorod. he’s a nice and interesting guy. probably of this similiarity, i felt like i have the duty to look after him, since he doesn’t know a single word of russian. others might think i practise favouritism, but i’m not. it’s just that i’ve finally found someone who has some similiarity with me. he will be compared with academically, financially, be questioned about his qualification of getting a scholarship, and never to be complaining about lack of money in front of other non-government students. my job is to help him with that…. at least he was glad too when i approached him. and it felt good being able to help a junior as a senior….

probably my roommate is right. i was the only child in the family since i was bornt. i did not have the opportunity to have siblings, what more to take care of them. so this senior looking after junior thing is new and quite interesting for me, for now….

but it’s a known trend for me that people who i help( or who help me) would be successful. and then, i will be forgotten…after a few months when he has adapted to russia, we might see each other and not greet…but that’s another story in the future…

people might question about my motive being good and kind and everything, about what i get from that..but to answer to that, my brain(cortex) doesn’t work normally.i dunno how to calculate what is benificial to me. i just do it when i feel like doing. but then again, i’m not kind. sometimes i do reject favours, not that because u don’t give me enough benifit, but because i don feel right doing it…or maybe i don have the mood to do it. dunno la….i’m juz a wierd guy….and i’m starting to accept that fact. but for those who ask "why are u so kind"….you would probably never understand how my brain works….unlike you, my actions are mainly driven by instinct and emotion.

oh ya, lately i find myself practising sarcasm and criticism quite often. my words are sharp and straght forward.some took it as a humor, while others think it’s an offensive act.some were offended and quite pissed off. i have to admit, it might be hurtful at times. but up to this point, i juz don feel like apologizing.

oh and speaking of which, there are people in the group who cheats in test.(wait, am i too straight forward again?). ok ok… let’s call him/her A(before i spill the name out). A is cheating in class. it’s obvious to me…so obvious that only idiots would not know. but A has not been caught since i’ve noticed it. but i think except for the teacher, the rest of the class knows about it. but i wonder if A knows that we know about it? probably, and probably not. it’s just so pathetic. i think A has ego problem. A can’t accept the reality that A is not the excellent student A used to be in A’s good old days.(it’s way old actually). the annoying part is that, A doesn’t feel guilty cheating.A still brags about how A is great in studies and stuff, in front of other groups la of course. about the ways of  A’s cheating will be entry of another day…trust me, it’s quite interesting….    

on 3/10 was the birthday of 2 of my best friends, as well as one of my groupmate. but that day was not a good day for me. very suey. in the morning, i forgot to close my water bottle’s cover, and ended up having my books and bag soaked with water. my precious notes is now crumpled. that’s not all. i actually stepped on dog’s stool. damn! then,my lovely groupmate who never fails to irriate me has done another magnificant job doing what she does best..it was juz not my day, but i hope i was a good birthday for daryl and yuen hoong though….   

a new cycle is starting in between pathologic anatomy, it would be an easy subject, according to seniors….but then, i really hope that i would make full use of that course….