不想长大…..
this is a song by S.H.E….and it kind of suit my mood for this post…
have been hanging out alot with the juniors lately….reminds me of how i used to be last time…when i was in first year….
the only difference is i was feeling kinda lonely and homesick back then….and i wasn’t really enjoying my first year….put too much concentration on studies back then…
from what i see, the juniors here are enjoying themselves quite well….and they have adapted well to the life here….although still having difficulties in their russian language…
the most important thing is ….they are not alone…they have groups and gangs who will do everything together…cooking, go to classes, study russian,shopping, gaming…… and they understand each other quite well….plus, they have some seniors who couldn’t be more glad to help them in case they need anything….and they have this super huge new shopping complex to go to even in the 1st year……what more can they ask for??
i, being one of the "senior" was hoping that they could enjoy their life here…and not going through all those that i’ve been through….( the loneliness part i mean)
and now, after a few weeks of hanging out with them…ironically, i kinda wish that i was part of them….hoping that i could be one of their group…who would share secrets together and do all sorts of things together….
sounds kinda pathetic huh??….hahaha….a senior who try to fit into a junior’s group….
sigh….why am i not bornt later?? why did i come 2 years ago?? i came to realise when u have seen more things than others, when nothing surprises you anymore, u tend to be boring and dull to other people’s eye…
trying to fit in has always been my issues….maybe it’s because of me….i think i tend to give people the "distant" feeling(距离感)…giving the impression that i’m unapproachable….i find that no matter how hard i try, there’s always been a gap between me and other people…i can’t understand…..is my way of making friends wrong?? or is my way of appoaching others too intimidating??
it’s hard to admit, but it’s true that i’m always the outsider that always admire and observe other people….of course i can see the whole picture of what is happening, what kind of conflicts they have and stuff, but what is the point if i am not part of them??
u know, by helping the juniors as a "senior", i was hoping to help them as a friend, not as a more elderly person who apparently knows more than them as the newcomers here…i do not mean to make them fear me as a senior. i do not need them to respect me as a senior, but as a friend….i do not want them to look up to me….just want them to look to the side and realise and accept that i am just one of them….and stupidly, i wish that i’m still in first year….then maybe, just maybe, i can fit in better??
but reality is cruel. what i wish for will remain as a wish… i did indeed came earlier. i encountered what they are experiencing now…2 years ago… it’s impossible to turn back time… and i’ll forever be an "old and more experienced" people to them…..all the wrong timing created the "gap" between us….
i did enjoy myself hanging out with them…wonder if they thinks the same…i find more similiaities between us than those of my badge….
they are full of energy and high in spirit….some things that would be taken away as the time goes by….i was like that last time…..and i wish i would stay the same….but…..
真的, 我不想长大…..
