SECRET CORNER OF THANATOS

this is just another flashback of mine to remind myself that i’ve been through a series of stress and torture before able to come home safe and sound….in other words,it’sfor own recording.you are not obligated to read this, but if you do choose to proceed, please be ready for a series of confusion, frustration, and probably boredom….

all my classes ended approximately 1 month before i come back. and well, before that, i had to take 4 big exams,namely russian language, philosophy, physiology,and biochemistry. ( honestly, the first  was kinda minor compared to the latter….)

a nice thing about the russian language exam is that u can be exampted if u perform well throughout the academic year. the decision depends on your result, as well as the teacher. it’s kind of a subjective choice, but then again, this is russia….

my class teacher’s name is famous for her strictness. there’s absolutely no shortcut with her. her name is Larisa Nikolaevna Tochelina……see, ever her family name spells "torture"….she was the last person in the russian department to be expected to give "avtomat"(examption from exam).

but frankly speaking, i like her. she’s a nice teacher.she practises sarcasm all the time, and sometimes it’s really funny.

in the last few lesson, after we did our final test, she announced the candidates for the examption. surprisingly, my name was in. my teacher in 1st year would never believe it because i sucked to the max back then….but this year, maybe due to exam motivation, i think my russian language improved….i mean at least now i can not only catch up with the speed of the bullet train of the locals, i can even give them the response they want…without the crumpled face thinking "this guy is hopeless"…..

there were many contradiction on who is fit to become one of the candidates.for some, there’s no question about them getting it. but for others, there’s some doubt. they say their names were in because they gave something to the teachers, like makan suap or sth like this. whatever it is, the decision was final. it was no use complaining. maybe it’s not right to do what those doubtful candidate did, but hey, if you are good enough, you can get into it without those dirty tactics. i’m not sure whether i am fit to get examption, but i sure as hell don feel guilty about getting it. i have gave my 100% in it, and i think i deserve it……and probably the teacher think so too…..hehehe…

so that was 1 down, 3 more to go….

the next one was philosophy. the topics we had to cover included those history of philosophy, their developement from ionian philosopher, greek, medievial, new times, german, russian, modern and others. then there’s the modern view of philosophy. i liked this subject. studied abit before that, but really spent about 3 days for it. i was kinda nervous because it was really my first exam after the last one 4 months ago…..needed sometime to get into my "battle mode".

the exam went well, except i’ve got the easiest question in the whole syllabus, felt that i’ve wasted all my effort studying everything. but hey, i went through the whole thing 3 times somemore, untill i was convinced that i was a real philosopher myself.

after the 2 minor ones, the next 2 to come are the real challenges of this semester…

i don like my exam schedule this time. i am supposed to have my last exam on 25th, the day i go back to malaysia. so i have to move them foreward. after my philo exam, i have exactly 3 weeks before going home, juz nice to fit in 2 exams….

but then, the biochemistry teacher who was juz been promoted from vice dean to the new dean, tried to show her ego by putting out strict rule saying there’ll be no change of date for biochemistry exam.no exception for anyone.

so, the situation was,i could only change the date of physiology, but not biochemistry.that means my time for physiology was shortened. i had too long time for biochemistry exam but too short time for  physio. i was in a dilemma……….

you probably could say that it’s not a problem as i can study physio first and then with biochem when the exam approaches, and finally continue with biochem. but it’s not the same. if i do that, i am taking a big risk of forgetting the stuff i study before and not have enough time for the other…..thus loosing both at the same time…..

you probably would ask, why so kan cheong?? you do not need to get perfect score for it….as in 100%……99 or 98 is good enough…..so long as u could study enough to cover most of the topics, you are sure to get SOME question…..well….NO…. the system here doesn’t have so many marks…..the maximum is 5 (excellent), small mistake and it’s 4 (good)…more mistake and you are looking at 3( satisfactory) or 2 (fail)……so there’s really not much room for mistakes.and from those over 100 questions u study…..mabe only 3 will come out….so the possibility of spotting questions is slim…..

and u know when your luck is really bad, study 97 questions and leve out 3, that’s the 3 questions you are gonna get in exam later…..

to have struggled so hard for the whole year to put all the stake on this final exam is really a stress….a big one. imagine when u have done well during the whole year, then on the exam day u go blank….. that is the saddest tragedy a student would want to meet man….

as i’ve said earlier….i’ve had too much time on biochemistry exam. i had the obligation to study tht, while at the same time wondering what would happen after that….i mean how would i prepare the physio exam in such short time?? it was hard for me to focus on both at the same time…as i can’t really put my whole effort on it….

as the biochemistry exam was approaching…i became restless….on one hand want very badly to get it over with…..and on the other, wondering what happens if all my effort wasted…. and i fail…what would happen then….i repeated the whole thing 5 times!! 5 FREAKING TIMES!!!……if i had done badly for that paper……it is really not my fault edi man……..

the hard task about this exam is not the subject itself….but it’s the examiner…(the evil dean)….she’s famous for tough questions…some ridiculous ones not even in the lectures…. everyone is afraid of getting her as the examiner….

after that paper, i did not have time for my "post-exam syndrome"(which i will elaborate later).had to study for physiology right after i came back from the biochem exam (din even have time to celebrate also …..) it was a tough race against time….time is running short, and it seemed like there is always something i don know. i have 50% extra to study compared to biochem, but 50% less time….i was like almost going crazy man….

i had a feeling that time..a feeling that i have been studying so much that i feeling like vomitting…nausea all the time….no appitide for food…juz eating some instant supply of carbo for my brain ….for eg, chocolate, candy, and thicked sugared iced lemon tea…all i needed to get through the hypoxia of my brain. even when typing this, reliving the experience i very much want to burry, i feel intense headache….

i wanted to sleep, but i can’t. when i close my eyes, those mechanisms, enzymes, hormones, figures keep popping out of my head….everytime i want to sleep, my hypothalamus starts working and generate the feeling of "fear" in me…i think throughout the 2 weeks of biochem and physio, the only time i managed to get a long good sleep is when i was too scared till i fainted….

there were even times when i tot i would have nervous breakdown and i wished i was at home then…..

but it was also then when i realised that my brain is capable of doing wonders. that it could do more things that u could ever imagine……all u need to do is just relax and trust it to do its job….

if u survery around, anyone would say u could finish reading the entire syllabus of physiology with minimum of 9 days time….. and i did it within 4…..that’s another miracle….and achievement for me…before i did the exam everyone said it’s impossible…myself included…i even wanted to give up and come back to do later….but now i’m glad i hung on that time…if not i won’t really be enjoying my holidays….

i am also glad that for both the major subject(biochem and physio), both the examiners that took me are not my teachers. that means they did not practise favouritism there during my exam(i think)…..so i’ve earnt my grade fair and square…..

all in all,i played the "game" well and i am glad to put a Perfect fullstop on my second academic year as a medical student….4 more years to go……and now…..i am officially a 3rd year student……