SECRET CORNER OF THANATOS

why is it that when a person is sick, he/she gets special treatment. somebody would cook something for him/her to ease the pain, to take care of the disease, and when i get the sickness…..everybody still treats me like crap??

i’ve been sick since monday. but being a responsible student, i still attend all the lectures, got to all the classes…some of them which  othe people won’t go even under normal/healthy conditions. i was struggling throughout the week, travelling in the snow and all with flu, sore throat and fever, but of course i din’t complain much.i mean why make other people worry by making my pathetic face??

but seems like people arround me ignore the fact that i am sick, either they are too stupid to notice that i’m coughing all the time, eye’s red, and sneezing an elephant out of my nose….or they just don’t care. anyhow they still do not make my life easier.

i know these few days my mood is not that good, and i loose myself quite easily….esp when somebody ask me to do something out of my will. maybe it’s just something small, and i might seem abit xiao qi…..but hey, give me a break! i am a sick person, and i think i have the right not to do something out of my capacity.

i do not like to be ordered around. and when people does that, i will be very very very pissed off. you would be lucky if i juz turn around and walk away. if i can’t contain my anger, i’ll shout back at you even with my half broken voice untill all your face is covered with my saliva….even if it means i would loose my voice…

ironically, those that cared about my sickness and realised i need help are those that i quarrel most with in class, whereas those whom i thought was close to me…….well…..they din’t notice/they don care.

i should have stayed home yesterday. but under a friend’s request who ignored the fact that i’m still sick, i went out to restaurant for a dinner with them. and guess what, the restaurant was full. and some smart fella suggested another place which even she doesn’t know how to go. and we stopped before the stop….and walked for 2 stops….before realising that we are lost!! ( i remind you that it’s blooding cold out there)….. we finally decided to juz drop by at a small cafe for dinner…

i bought a comp chair yesterday in a furniture shop with a few girls…..see , that’s the mistake… when you are sick, and you are not a superman….you DO NOT buy furnitures with girlS..(A girl is ok…you can become a gentlemen,…but 6??) ..they expect you to carry ALL their stuff to their doorstep…..knock their door and wake them up….or leave it while they go out hanging around with boy friends…. well, i don think i’m being xiao qi here….

haha….i am not suppose to be recieving all the furnitures……i was juz being nice trying to help an insomnic girl who juz slept this morning….but hey, i can’t be carring a shelf and 6 computer chairs in -10 outside ALONE!!… i tried to contact the rest to collect the chairs… but out of the 5 girls, 1 was sleeping, 1 went out with boyfriend, 1 unreachable by phone, 1 is cooking, and the insomnic girl’s phone is with me ( because the furniture fella was supposed to call her)….so i alone have to carry all the furnitures from the van….and walk about 3/4 times to and fro the hostel door carrying that darn furnitures, while other people that pass by juz sees an idiot carrying stuff alone wondering why he need so many furnitures for and walk away…felt so stupid and angry…. tried to reach them again and again….and almost reached my boiling point…….but i din burst…

i put the furniture on the first floor near the enterence. of course u can’t expect a sick person to deliver all the chairs to the ladies(some up to the 4th floor)…but of course i did try to call those still in the hostel to collect.

but what triggered me is when the insomnic girl come to my room and ask where is my chair and cupboard…i answered with a harsh voice "1st floor!" and gave her the cold stare……and walked into my room….then after that when my groupmate who she asked to help her carry the stuff came to my room and asked for help….and i say "no!" ( dunno why…some people juz can’t accept no for an answer…like never hear the word before…or at least not from my mouth…maybe i’m too good all these while) and ask again and again…..when she said something which i forgot what that trigger the switch, i exploded. i din know what happened….but i think i might raised my voice to her….

the next thing that triggered me was a call from the unreachable girl….asked me where did i put the chair, expecting me to say that it’s in front of her room. but answered very calmly at first,"at the enterence". when she said the words "WHAT?? WHAT IF PEOPLE STEAL THE CHAIR!!" once again i scolded through the telephone….feeling very very very angry…..and as i am typing this i am still angry…..the conversation ended with me cutting off the line. being an arrogant leo, she obviously thinks she’s right and it’s all my fault….blah blah blah…..and we don’t talk till now.

this entry is full with anger, sadness, and sorrow + some depression. i know it’s impropriate to put in entry like this because when i look back someday, i’ll regret it. but hey, for now, this is my only way to release it( almost crashing the keyboard already….i am typing so hard here…literally…)

i would like to thank all those friends who really cared about me…making the effort to ask about me. it means alot to me…..really….

to the others…..God bless you. may you be healthy always….