a little story to share…

i have a little cousin whom i met for the first time 5years after he was bornt….he currently stays in uk….and his name is daryl….

so yea…the parent brought him back this time for holiday….and he stayed in my aunt’s house….

he was starting to learn piano. one day, his piaono teacher, who just came back from vacation in russia, gave all his students one russian doll each as souvenirs…..he was late that day, do he did not get his share….

so little daryl was quite upset about it…..

but the teacher promised daryl if he was to practice very very hard, the teacher would eventually give him a russian doll as a reward….

so he practised, and practised and practised…..

months have passed….and he still did not get the russian doll he longed for…..

he started to give up on piano edi….he did not wanna continue playing….maybe coz he feels that no matter how hard he try, he would never meet the expectation of his teacher to get his russian doll….

when my aunt heard of the story of little daryl, she took the only russian doll in her house and package it nicely to give it to daryl…..and told him:

“your piano teacher knew that you’ve been practising very hard lately, so he wanted to reward you with this doll….see, he even posted the doll all the way from uk to malaysia to your aunt’s house…”

daryl was so happy with that gift, and agreed to his mom to play piano again…

story ends.

i knew the story only  becoz the russian doll was my gift to the aunt. she called me coz she is scared that i would be unhappy…

it was an obvious lie to anyone who listens to this. but to little daryl, it gave him the encouragement he needed to continue on this path….

someday if he sees this post, this incident might not be as significant to him then than it is to him now. but i am sure he will still be glad that he is lied to…

if he becomes a famous pianist, he has my aunt and my russian doll to thank for…

thursday started off like any other routine day of my holiday….

it’s  been drizzling the whole day….fortunately not sufficient to cause another flood…

at 7pm, a pleasant surprise was delivered by a phonecall….and that small event made my day…

it’s a wonder how small small things can make people happy….and watching people around me happy, makes me happy as well…

i shall keep this happy thing to myself….for now….as questions will pop up out of curiousity, which might spoil this simple, yet meaningful thing for me…

i guess being different from others makes me more receptive of different situation that might happen in one’s life….and i wouldnt be surprise even if i was told the most bizzare news on how ppl behave or how things could turn out…

later at night went supper with siang…ate alot….maklumlah….going back edi ma…exceeded my one day’s quota edi….but yea…it was a nice meeting up…

when i first started telling people that i follow taiwanese varitey show “lollipop模范棒棒堂” most people’s 1st impression is that i am crazy for watching such seemingly idotic and pointless show…

it all started when i first got 1-2 episodes of this show from my cousin because there were famous artist who went to that show for promoting their album or something…..trust me …i thought it was the stupidest show as well….for i dunno what they were doing syok sendiri, singing without getting a single note right, dancing amatuerishly….and doing all those stuns a normal artist won’t wanna do on tv….

and yet, they are gaining lots of popularity from all over asia….FAST!

over the years i’ve been watching shows and performance from super stars who can do perform very well on stage as if they are bornt to do just that…..it’s like it’s in their blood….every performance is done perfectly without any flaw….once they pick up a microphone….the voice just come out naturally….

sooner or later…..i was numbed by it….as in the so called perfect voice/performance cannot give me the touching feeling that i look for in each performance i see….their standard is so high that they are expected to do things perfectly…..we don see the beauty of this perfection….instead…we tend to look for flaws in their performance… 

on the other hand….these boys in the show…they are totally opposite from perfection….in fact they are just normal people who wants to be an artist….not all of them are gifted with good vocals to sing like jacky cheung or andy lau, and not all of them are given the talent to dance as well….

and yet i still find them more entertaining….for all the good reasons….

no i do not find stupidity entertaining, in contrast to what my friends misunderstood me when i said ” i find them entertaining” :-（

rather than idolizing a ready made super star, i prefer to see a super star in the making…

i find the process of them trying so hard to work on things that they are not given talents to do, inspiring….

even if the end result is far from perfection, as they would’ve expected… it’s the “process” of working towards it that makes it atttractive and worth spending my time on…..

the imperfection simply means there are still room for improvement that’s worth anticipating on in their next performance….

when we do not have high expectations, we tend to look for the good things, rather than flaws….coz flaws are expected from them….whereas each improvement is a surprise….that we can’t help but to give them applause…

when a performer is still at an amatuerish stage, when there’re still doubts and uncertainties in their mind on how things should be done……they put in more effort and heart in their performance….they tend to give their best at the monent, for the fear that there might not be a next time…..the effort can certainly be felt by the audiance….

a person with alot of experience……well, not that they are not good enough…..just that their performance seems automated and effortless….and altho there might not be any flaw in their performance….i do not find that attractive, not anymore…

a ready made super star will seem so far and unreachable….whereas those  whom we see starting from nothing and later growing to become a fan of thousands and even millions….gives us hope that we too, can be like them…(i mean in all aspects of life…not just becoming an artist….i know pretty well that i am not destined for this path lol….) what i mean is that, as long as we are determined to work hard in whatever we do, nothing is impossible….

so yea, the process of becoming perfect is more beautiful and charming than the perfection itself…and we could always find some inspiration in imperfection…..

我不能说我对她的感觉始终如一，毕竟咱们俩都过着不同的生活。

几度的重聚，唤醒了那埋在心中某个角落的感觉。。。

我也不清楚那是什么。。只感觉很熟悉。。说不上是爱，但却有一定的深度。。。

一度以为已经习惯了一个人我行我素，无拘无束的生活。。不再是像昔日那么痴痴的等待。。

但她再次的离去。。已足以让我坐立难安，辗转难眠。。心中的恐惧，彷徨。。害怕一个人生活那孤单的感觉又再次的涌上心头来了。。。

而同时间我也被提醒了为何这些年来我都是一个人。。并非我身旁没有更好的人。。。但毕竟她们都不是她。。。

说到底这也只是我单方面的感觉，从来也没有胆量与勇气去求证对方的感觉。。所一我也没有权利和资格去奢求任何的回报，回应。。。

或许有一天会有另一个人能取代她在我心中的位置。。。但无论如何，他一再我生命中占了一定的分量。。。

她的每一句话，对我的心情，举止，与决定都有关键性的影响。这对于我行我素的我，，能有这般影响力的，已经不多了。。

无论咱俩到最后会不会有结果。。。我也会一直从远方祝福，关心着她。。

monday morning didn’t start off that sunny……

but i’ve never thought it would be the worst nightmare so far in my holiday….

it started raining heavily when i was at 1145……

it didn;t take that long till my whole house was flooded….

yes…i happen to stay in the lowest area of the bear hill….apparently..coz none of the neighbours suffer the same magnitude of flood as my house’s…

i dunno whether it’s coincidence or not….but my house had 3 out of 5 times of flood when i come back for holidays…..

and i swear./…..this is the worst flood i’ve seen in 23 years…..(magnitude of flood is measured by the level of water reached as marked on the wall)

the water came in so fast, the oni thing i managed to save is the computer in my room…..i had to literally hug the CPU while pulling the plugs behind it off….leaving those cabel lying on the ground,,,,soaked by water….

after i after that i found that it was too late…..the water spreaded fast, like a poison given intravenously, spreading to all corners of the house……and no area was spared…

to make the day more gloomy….the power circuit tripped off….leaving the whole house dark and spooky…..

felt so helpless then….there was nothing i could to than to just watch the level of water goes up, clothes being soaked by the dirty water from the drain, and wait and pray for it to go down fast so that i could clean up the place asap…

i interpret this incident as a way of nature to remind us how powerful she could be….turning something essential in our lives to a weapon of destruction against us……we seem so puny in front of her…

in the course of medical practice….sometimes we feel that we could control patient’s life in our hands…..saving them from near death and dying illness…we feel proud and almighty that we have the knowledge and privilages others don have…..when we forget we merely help the nature to heal the patients……without the force of nature….all our efforts would be useless….

* after the flood….i scooped out about 500 pails of water out of the house….and spent the next 2 days bbqing my clothes and cushion which were soaked during the flood…

and unfortunately i had a casualty during this flood….

i found it soaked in the water for 30mins before i managed to get it out….

i think it’s my mistake to try to on it before making sure that it’s totally dry…

this mp3 player accompanied me for 1 year when i was jogging, studying and sleeping…..

haih….what a waste…..

RIP- silver fox (the name was given after it spoilt)

i tend to give others the impression that i’m a nerd who spend his whole time infront of books and medical stuff….

but in fact i do think that to be a good doctor, there are more to it than just medical knowledge….

over the past year….while being burried in the pile of books and medical facts….i do admit that i was once a little lost, not knowing where i am heading to, and questioning my aim of studying medicine and stuff….

and well….i want to gain back the sense of being human again…i want to be able to cry when i feel sad, to laugh when i feel like it…..and not just a emotionless doctor treating patients like finishing chores…..

我要寻找感动，找回最原始的初衷。。。

i find that many taiwanese shows are very spontanous, real, and funny…..and while being entertaining, they do instill humanity, containing some elements that would touch the deepest corner of your heart….they make you feel like crying when they cry, and may at a certain extend, reflect upon the warmth of society….

maybe it’s hard for my friends around me to understand what shows  i watch…as we grow up in a different educattional background….and sometimes translated version of a chinese songs/shows just isnt as touching if you do not understand that language….

i do not follow k-pop, or j-pop or even english songs….not that they are not hit enough….just that i would not be able to touch me as well as the chinese songs do….

so i do regret i do not have anyone to talk to about my interest in chinese/taiwanese variety show, but i will try my best to share those feelings here in this blog from time to time….and hopefully getting positive feedback after that….

so yea…i spend average of 3-4 hours per day watching shows…..just not the shows that my friends usually watch…..which is a problem…coz i do not have sources to share…..haih….

not that i have a problem being a nerd…..but just felt that i am not up to that level yet as to be expected to know everything when being asked…being one just become too much of a burden, when in reality, i spend the same amount of time studying and watching shows like other ppl….

socializing in a small community is never an easy task, especially if there’s a big chance that you would see your rival evertday on your way to class, if those social relations are not handles properly….

even in a small community, small groups are inevitable…people group among each other maybe due to common interest, common motive/aim, or even due to lack of sense of belonging in other groups……true unity seems quite impossible as people wanna have control of what they do, how they spend their time…etc…so unless there’s armaggedon hitting earth….you will never see everyone direct their attention to a common thing…

people grouping with each other due to common aim will loose something to aim for after the goal has been achieved….and grouping with each other will seem pointless…and thus the only thing that can hold these people together is the past…..a truly strong sincere bond formed in the past could ensure the desire to group together in the future…

between small groups some difference in belief and goal is inevitable….even tho overall everyone is heading towards the same goal…and thus, there might be arguements, conflict about who is doing things the right way…

of course, it’s easy to take sides….and it’s even easier to go to the side which seems more stronger, influential and popular….

but who would take time to listen to both side of the story…..look at a certain issue from different angles, and to give it an optimistic evaluation….

i wouldn’t say i am very diplomatic person……but i would never take sides….if there’s a certain conflict between 2 parties, you can always find me standing at the center trying to be neutral or trying to get out of the way…..

when sombody complain to me about somebody…whether i know this person or not….the whole conversation would sound like me being skeptical about what the person is telling me…and it might seem to the person who tell that i don’t trust what they tell me…..

actually i do have a piece of ruler in my mind to judge….but i always try to listen but not judge (it’s very hard, you know)….try to be objective in the issue…

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being diplomatic and hypocritic might seem totally opposite, and yet, very close to each other…..if one tries to be diplomatic but is careless of his words and action….he will be an hypocrite in others’ eyes…

a person who is diplomatic might seem as if he has alot of friends….but on the other hand….in his attempt to stay neutral, he slowly looses the sense of belonging in either groups…..he would always be treated as a friend….but not one who could be entrusted with ugly secrets….as the fear of information leaking to the other group would be too big of a risk…..there’s always a barrier….giving him a feeling that he couldnt blend well…..there’s the signs, small talks, certain symbols within the group that only understandable among ppl in that group…they laugh among themselves, use certain eye contact etc…..all telling him that he doesn;t really belong there…

he would be the bridge of communication between 2 groups who do not usually intetact….he is the clown who try to keep the social event flow smoothly without awkwardness…an yet he’s always forgotten in that certain social event…..afterall, he’s just the tool of communication……

there’s a high probablility of a person being neutral to be the target whom anybody would complain to…..and thus he might be the one who knows the most….and yet could tell the least…..and might seem that he knows nothing to the others…

for example….2 person staying together has conflict among each other but wish to keep the seemingly harmonious relationship in the house. so they find a person to complain about…..but, when who they find to complain to is the same person…..the burden is now on the “diplomat” who has to choose what to talk about, what to tell and what to keep away from the conversation…so that their wish to keep the fake harmonious relationship would be achieved…

the person who complain will always end the conversation with “don’t tell anyone about this ok, i trust you”…..buying an assurance that his secret would not leak, and when it does, he knows where to turn his arrow to….

and thus, it’s the job of this so called “diplomat” to make smooth turns around conversation to avoid sensitive issues and yet keeping the conversation real….they don’t lie, they just do not tell….(lying would be a sign of hypocracy，wouldn’t it??)

he has to constantly deal with 3 different ideas : 2 contrasting ideas from the conflicting parties and one from his judgemental ruler in his mind….in his attempt to stay neutral, he always has to ignore his own judgement, as to not influence his objective view on the issue,,,..to avoid any bias in handling issues….thus, he always comes with questions, rather than answers in a conversation, letting the conflicting parties find their own answers….ignoring his own judgement might give the impression that he does not have his own opinion, and that he could be manipulated to either party,….which is not true….

at the end of the day. this diplomatic person who does not belong to any group, would have to take care of himself when he’s in trouble…..because he is expected to be able to handle the tension, the stress and to overcome it…. so he will be left alone to take care of himself….

someone please help me pull out the sword behind my back….

ouch….

just realised that i was backstabbed this morning when i opened my fb….by a person who obviously do not spend alot of time looking herself in the mirror, and have no sense of disgrace whatsoever….

come to think of it….it’s been about 1 week after the backstabbing before i realised it…..ouch…

and to think that i have helped this person without even noticing she backstabbed me really got on my nerve…

this person not only attacked my phycial appearance, but also made a false comment about how much i’ve worked hard for making that certain event even possible….while she was the one who expect to be served like a queen….

i am not even close with this person…..what right does she have to backstab me like that….

but then again, i never really regard her as a friend…..maybe just a hi bye kind…. what saddens me more is that those whom i regard as friends did not stand out to speak for me….haih…sejuuuukkk hati…

well, at least one lesson learnt….i would not bear any grudge towards her after this post is being written….just that she might be another bedtime story i tell my future grandparents about what a good person shouldn’t do….

i’m back in malaysia again….typing this post in my comfy lair…

2 more months before going back there for one last time….(for the rest of my life…hopefully)

am glad to see that everything is in place….everything in my house is exactly where it is when i left it 10 month ago…..

 i do realise that some people has changed….and it’s too early to tell if it’s for the better or worse….perhaps life experience do change perspectives and attitudes…

the journey back home this time was less hectic and smoother….compared to last year when we had to go through hell to literally own our right back home….and this time for the first time i travel alone from nizhny to moscow….it wasn’t as bad as i would expect….except one down side : you can’t go to the toilet without worrying about your luggages….

over the past few years….my journey back here would be very rushing…having very little time to pack and clean up my room….but this time….not only i have plenty of time to take my own sweet time for the exam, i get to learn to slow down my pace of living….and starting to appriciate those things that i’ve never noticed before….it’s boring and excruciating on one hand, esp for a person whose life is all about racing with time to get all the information into the brain…and well…i am kind of enjoying living like that now…

i would like to meet all my friends in a single gathering….but it’s seem so impossible now…everyone is either busy or is not comfortable with large gathering due to lack of common topics….but i do hope i could get to meet everyone this time…especially those whom i miss every year i come back…

this is a holiday for me to rest my mind after a whole year of hardwork, to recharge myself for the next year’s final exam….i would have plenty of time to rethink what i want, and to see clearly the pathway that i’m on…

most of all…this is a holiday of yummy food….yay!!

p/s : do contact me at 0173297584

regretably, i do not give people a good first impression of what i am capable of doing.

again and again, my capability and determinations are questioned and challenged by those people who are standing aside with cold eyes wondering when i am going to fail, as well as those who are waiting for me to make a clown out of myself….

who would expect a guy with such unappealing exterior to dominate the top rank during his primary school years for most of the years? and who would expect this guy, who nobody would recognize when walking on a street, able to do story telling, syarahan, recite a poem and win prize for it? and who would expect him to beat the math genius in his school and came up top in the math competition??

well, he broke everyone’s spectacles when he did all that…..including his own….

who would expect him to sing and draw and dance…….(wait….he did not do that….he sucked at those stuff….)

i believe i am not wrong when i say that even my close relative did not put high hopes on me. given my different way of upbringing, i believe many wouldn’t expect me to go far…..they would be glad if i don’t cause any trouble or do something humiliating….but as years go by, i believe tht i’ve changed they prospect of how things should be….(some even name their children’s name after mine)……of course, i wasn’t told this untill i was older….and i was glad that i did not waste the care and support of those who really loved me….

the major part of my behaviour and personallity was inherited from both my parents who do not acknowledge giving up as a valid option, as well as constant challenges who demands myself to be better, stronger to free myself from constant suppression of others.

i do reliase that i am different than other guy friends around me….with different interest, priority and stuff……( altho we are very much close to each other)…maybe it’s because i put an imaginary weight on my shoulders. i have something to prove, to myself, and those who are around me, either to see me fail, or those who have wishful hopes for me…..i need to show them that i am more than who they think i am….

i did, along this rocky pathway, grumble about my luck, of why i have to go through all the hardship, while some would enjoy the same amount of luck, praise, and dignity with much less effort….but then i reliase that this might be what my destiny is like….having constantly to prove myself worthy…well, if that’s the way it is, i will gladly take up the challenge…

i dare not say i have good physical stamina….due to my external limitation :P…. but if you wanna compare stamina in terms of stubborness and determination….i have absolute confidence in it….

i do not think i am destined to fail. if i did, i wouldn’t have made it this far. thus, there’s no reason for me to give up now…..

actually the reason i write this post is about the never ending discussion of how bad the quality of russian education is…both by the impression of doctors and jpa in msia as well as the population in general….this has been a fruitless debate since i came in in first year….and well, after several years of remission, apparently the economic crisis recently has caused the exacerbation of this discussion……(somebody has to take the blame for every bad things happening around)….

and this has caused many worries among parents and the students here about how their future is going to be in malaysia later….it’s like giving them a death sentence without a fair trial….not even a chance to proove themselve…this thought is depressing….it’s something those people who stay constantly in warm climate wouldn’t understand……the long winter, the mood swing, the constant suppression….uhhhh…..

i looked back at how i describe and compare the different education system using my “orbit and pie theory“…..i seriously think that it was brilliant explaination tho….

i am done  with the oral explaination. i will prove it with my action when i graduate later….i do not guarantee the quality of the education as well as the graduates from russia as i do not have such a big power to exert influence to everyone…..all i can do is to serve my part well and be the best i can….

i will do my best to break each of the spectacles who once looked down upon me. i will make those ignorant people feel sorry and ashamed of themselves for labelling/ generalizing other people based on rumours and false impression….

if i am destined to face such challenges under such biased, predetermined conditions, so be it….i am used to such hostile environment anyway…

“凯”in my name designate victory. if you choose to stand in my way, too bad then, you are destined to loose…..